Illustration by Martha Rich

SOMETIMES in a lezzie's life there is a need to hang out with people who are sluttier, more alcoholic, and have worse body issues. For this, you will need a gay man, a bottle of vodka to lure him in, and a user manual, because one wrong move and gay guys will melt down on your ass like the Fukushima nuclear plant. These three simple rules can be applied to any interaction with a gay man.*

1. They are overly sensitive and cover it with biting sarcasm. Anytime a gay guy eviscerates you with his biting wit it's because on the inside he's crying like a little boy. Buy him a vodka soda and tell him he looks thin.

2. He will say he wants a meaningful long-term relationship. He means with his Grindr app, because none of his relationships last past brunch. Agree that other men are fucknuts who have no idea what they are missing, and buy him a Bloody Mary.

3. He will leave you at the bar without a ride in a heartbeat if he meets a for-sure five, if he meets a seven expect to be left with no notice. If he meets a three and it's 1:30 am, you will end up listening to them fuck in your apartment while you try to make the guy hotter in your own mind. The next day, refer to rule two.

Catch stand-up comedian Belinda Carroll at EB Smokey's Barbeque & Grill, 8503 SW Warm Springs, Tualatin, Thurs March 7, 8 pm, free.


*With the exception of a married gay man: treat him like a lezzie.