Salt Lake City: The Next Portland?
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  • Salt Lake City: The “Next Portland”?

Griping Portland complainers, rest easy! Your constant cries that Portland has been accepting too many newbies have not gone unheeded, because this article is perhaps one of the first to declare that Portland is officially “over!” (Unfortunately it was written by Thrillist staff member, which means it has little to no basis in reality. But for the moment, let’s pretend, shall we?) The article bluntly states that, thanks to the worldwide embracing of Portlandia and Voodoo Doughnuts, it’s high time to start looking for the next Portland. (Remember when “Portland” was the next “Austin”? Me, too. Ohhhh, “time.” You are a fickle butthole.) Anyway here’s a bit from the article:

Any heir to the city’s handcrafted, free-range throne must have these qualities: a substantial food and drink culture, an emphasis on “artisan” shops, and a considerable number of eccentrics. These eight candidates all clear those criteria, but a victor won’t be crowned until a unicycle-riding, bagpipe-playing Darth Vader minstrel appears up in one of these cities. Consider the race officially on!

Yipes, that’s a pretty low threshold! (More on that below.) Regardless, the author suggests the following cities that could be the next “us”:

Missoula, Montana
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Asheville, North Carolina
Louisville, Kentucky
Boise, Idaho
Salt Lake City, Utah
Portland, Maine

Naturally, this article TOTALLY MISSES THE POINT because a) the author seems to think having weird stores and breweries are the recipe for making a thriving, livable city (HOORAY FOR CAPITALISM!!), and b) the author also ignores the real reason people move to other cities and turn them into their own private Portland—affordable rents and low cost of living. Creatives (not businesses) create bustling, important cities that are fun to live in, and like I’ve said before, only we can decide if we want our city to be the type of place other cities envy, or move away from. It’s up to us Portland old-timers to educate the newbies (rather than berate them) on how they can contribute to our creative society and help this Portland become the “next Portland.”

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

26 replies on “Congratulations, You Got Your Wish: Portland is “Officially Over.””

  2. Creatives most definitely do not make a bustling, important city. Hard working business people, educators, doctors, lawyers, and government employees make a city bustling and important. Creatives add a lot, give a city personality, an aura (if they’re actual creatives rather than people who just fancy themselves creatives). But they don’t make a city bustling or important.

  5. This whole “any non-transplant is a creative” schtick is such bullshit. What are you even referencing, specifically? Yes there are real contributors to portland’s uniqueness in a way that affects others (this is key) who fall into the label of “creative”, but trying to put that label on a) yourself, and b) on “us portland old-timers” as if everyone who has lived here for 10+ years is a “creative” is absolute elitist bullshit.

    Perhaps most importantly, the “creatives” who make the most difference are also business-minded and this leads to their success and their ability to have an impact on the community. You see this in areas such as food, visual arts, and music. But, again, this is less than 1% of the population. The rest of the portland “old-timers” are very, very largely just normal people looking to get by and wanting to live in what was / is the last decently affordable west coast city.

    And that is just fine…but let’s not sugarcoat it and pound our chests that we are some sort of higher level creatives just because we have a somewhat obscure LP collection, can play a few chords on the guitar, are in a shitty garage band, go to a few concerts a month, have a friend who is a recognized artist and does gallery showings or a friend in a somewhat successful band (both members of that 1% I mention), etc. etc.

    People in other cities, from all walks of life (yes, even “highly paid” tech bros) can also often say the same thing about themselves. Finally, let me get this straight….so if some guy moves here and gets a $150k per year job, rents an 1,800 one bedroom apartment…and also happens to be a bad ass guitarist in his free time (just playing mostly in his apartment), supports local music, galleries, bars, restaurants, etc……. does he get a pass from your scorn? Or is his “creative” card revoked because he has chosen to take a simultaneous path of a career and having creative pursuits as well? Surely being broke, having a bad attitude, and hating “transplants” isn’t a prerequisite to being included in the “creative” label? Or hell…maybe it is…

  7. We’ve been becoming Boise for years, so they can’t become us. The North End of Boise is plenty Portlandia, but little else is comparable. Some nature, some biking. No public transportation. Tons of sprawl. And their downtown was gentrifying before I left for Portland.

  8. Having grown up in Louisville, Kentucky, I can verify there is (or was) a thriving art scene, as long as you don’t mind overt racism, rednecks screaming and throwing things at you from passing cars because you look slightly different, or getting beaten up because they think you might be gay.

  12. You are the worst Mercury. For the past few months most of your articles are how new people moving here, and how it’s not the same. Get over it. All you have done is berate new residence. Sure change sucks sometimes, but you cry about it like a petulant child. The Simpsons did an episode on this subject where the “us types” (portland hipsters) invaded Springfield, then left after it became “mainstream”. In my opinion they nailed it, and you failed it. Quit bitching, actually write things people want to read. Remember that all these new residence are also your new audience. Don’t throw stones in a glass house….

  13. Just pointing out the ridiculous premise of the entire article auerrilious. Now get back to being all creative-y and Oregon natively! Or is your trolling your only talent?

  14. You know that new guy in town who makes 150k and is a bad-ass apartment-guitarist and supports local bars and galleries and stuff? Well, he’s also an astronaut and a secret agent and he graduated with honors from Hogwarts. That guy is so freaking cool. Unlike like that lame poor guy who’s a lame guitarist and his band is lame and his dog just took a shit right in front of your doorstep and his dog is a lame guitarist, too.

  15. No your all wrong- hobos with their freedom to congregate intact set the tone- it was destroyed 2 years ago and Portlands soul was lost. I know you don’t believe me and you have no clue what actually holds you up, but you ask yourself what exactly was ever really different about Portland and I hate to break it to you but it was never micro brews, beards, dick donuts, and strippers. You can find all of this in any other town. What you cannot find is people who completely refuse to conform to the institutionalized structure of society as a prerequisite to breathing air and having connection between themselves without paying money to do it. You cannot find these people looking like they are having a better time than you in other towns because in other towns they are broken up and herded like rats.

    Thanks to mayor hales now we’re just like every other town and you never see that happy hobo holding signs telling you they need parts for their space-ship and reminding you that life is free and you don’t need to meet the expectations of others to inhabit the world that was given to us all. You don’t see those people reminding you that you don’t need to institutionalize yourself to find contentment, you just see bums. Bottom line is that if you see a hobo with their freedom intact then you know yours is too. The sharing and sense of community does not hurt either.

  16. “Now get back to being all creative-y and Oregon natively!”

    That makes almost as much sense as your usual bullshit word salads JTR. Whatever work you’ve done to become a Portland HOMEOWNER, it certainly wasn’t based on your writing skills.

  18. michael walsh go back to Seattle where they like to mindlessly equate finding employment in a flawed system to contributing to the well being of society, because we know all too well that making the next I-pod, litigating for the most powerful corporation, and charging an arm and a leg on people being sick is not the same as “contributing” or “important ” to anyone other than themselves.

  19. Some people think “Back in the good ol days of Portland”, you could buy crime scene photos at Last Thursday for $5.
    But Back in the Real Good Ol’ Days of Portland, on Alberta, you could be IN a crime scene photo, Thanks to the Californians.

  20. Hi Tyler, aka Ricky. You got a problem with me owning a home in an insanely popular NE neighborhood? Dig a little deeper on your attempted “burns”. Or, troll a little more intelligently / funnier. It’s not my problem that you struggle making rent every month, but if you got off the computer and got some sort of job, perhaps you wouldn’t be so belligerent toward guys like me.

    Hopefully your podunk ass can digest that writing? GOOD!

  21. JTR, can I borrow a few bucks to help make my rent? I’m in serious danger of losing my overpriced apartment due to my low paying job, lack of intelligence, and nonexistent ambition. I’ll do whatever you say, just help me hold onto my unsustainable lifestyle please!!!!

    Also, I apologize for failing to recognize how “insanely” popular your NE neighbor is. I never would’ve made fun of it had I known just how good you have it.

  22. Apology accepted, Ty Ty. You are more than welcome to borrow some cash, but you will have to sign a few papers and pay me a market rate (payday loans type rate) of interest. Deal, Ricky Stevens?

    It would be a very risky loan on my part, as the only collateral you have is likely a ’92 Ford Taurus and some pics of your sister’s bush that you snuck on one of the nights that you dared to leave your room and the comfort of your pc for a minute or two.

  23. I come to you for help JTR, and all you extend is socio-economic shaming? I’m starting to feel that your offer might be slightly disingenuous.

    And BTW, they were sketches, not pics.

  24. How is pointing out the truth “socio-economic shaming”? I am being a reasonable short term lender Ricky… I need to know if I am going to lend to a completely broke troll, or someone who trolls only part time and also has a job and / or gets an allowance from mommy.

  25. I’ll put up with a lot of shit here JTR, but I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna allow you to call my creditworthiness into question in a public forum. I pay my debts sir. I pay my debts.

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