Hey, it’s almost summer! It’s sunny-ish! What a wonderful week to be alive in Portland, Oregon—oh wait OH NO HERE COME THE BATTLESHIPS, IT’S GODDAMN FLEET WEEK.

Fleet Week is not a treasured Portland celebration. It’s a huge fuckin’ hassle. I’m not saying the ships shouldn’t be able to dock here and give the sailors a break—everyone needs a break—I’m just not excited about it. Here’s my case:

Things That Are Good About Fleet Week:
1. Hundreds of guys running around in natty sailor outfits steps up the absurdity of downtown Portland. A phalanx of dudes in matching garb fit for Chippendale dancers make an awesome band, excellent karaoke companions, and take the pressure off Portland cops being the constant target of bachelorettes’ affections.

2. Battleships* are pretty cool looking.

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Things That Are Terrible About Fleet Week:
1. Bridge lifts completely screw over downtown commuters. This is bad every year, but yesterday, the Steel Bridge had a mechanical problem that kept it stuck in the air, delaying TriMet riders for ages. Here’s the list of planned Trimet delays for Monday. Ugh.

2. The waterfront turns from a heavily-used public park into a giant cage.

3. Rampant, semi-hysterical security concerns. The Navy asks the police to enforce a series of ever-changing “security” rules that seem ridiculous. For example: Yesterday, police were blocking people from biking and walking westbound on the north side of the Burnside Bridge, but cars could still drive over. Let’s just *say* I was hypothetically hellbent on committing an act of terror like dropping a bucket full of zines about Lyndon LaRouche onto the battleships docked below the Burnside. Not being able to bike or walk across the bridge is not going to stop me—I could just drive, quickly hop out of my car, and make the propaganda dump. In the meantime, hundreds of people biking and walking home from work were inconvenienced.

4. The Fleet Week infusion of drunkards leads to a downtown crime spike.

5. Celebration of militarism. I’m not going to go all KBOO on this point, but I just can’t really get psyched about throwing a party for killing machines. If these weapons weren’t boats and their operators didn’t wear cute hats, we wouldn’t be so excited about them.

BONUS: Terrible but probably good, I guess, thing about Fleet Week
1. The battleships unearth dead bodies, which float to the surface of the Willamette. Yikes.

*The technical term for these ships is not battleships but “navy vessels,” I believe. If you’re not like me and actually care about things like navy vessels, here’s some info on them.

Sarah Shay Mirk reported on transportation, sex and gender issues, and politics at the Mercury from 2008-2013. They have gone on to make many things, including countless comics and several books.

17 replies on “Five Reasons Why Fleet Week is Terrible”

  1. The dead bodies part is actually awesome. The More You Know! Plus, isn’t this the first Fleet Week since DADT was nixed? Also awesome!

    I mostly get tired of getting waggly-eyebrowed “LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO FLEET WEEK?” cold opens from every weird server and store clerk downtown. Psh, if I wanted to hook up with the military industrial complex, I’d be down at Duke’s in Gresham every weekend (not once a month).

  4. The correct term is actually “naval vessels,” not “navy vessels.” Battleships are a type of naval vessel, but they have not been in commission by the US Navy since 1992 or officially a part of the naval registry since 2006.

  5. For non-Portlanders –

    Bridge lifts last a total of about 2 hours

    The ‘city fair’ is open longer than fleet week

    Downtown is always full of drunkards

    If you don’t try to f#C% with the military, you don’t have to worry about the security

    A break from the public who ‘heavily use’ the waterfront for their shooting up and begging is not a bad thing

  6. Ms. Mirk- This actually IS a treasured Portland celebration going back a lot longer than you were even able to find this fair city on a map. Not sure how long ago it was that you moved here to live your Awesome Portland Life! (trademark), but before 9/11 there would be at least 15-20 Navy ships and submarines every year. This year there are 2. The rest are Coast Guard and Canadian Navy, making a grand total of 7 watercraft. Quit yer lame bitchin’

  8. As former Marine, I am not a fan of Squids either……nah, I am kidding, Iceprez is right this is a Portland tradition and for the most part our sailors are respectful and well behaved. You should meet some of the fine members of the Canadian Navy Sarah, our neighbors to the North.

  9. The formal way for a civilian to greet a navy uniformed officer or enlisted person while out in casual drinking settings is to call them “squid”

  10. @8- I’m sure she is just fine with the Canadian “Navy.” Whatever. This is what I would expect from someone who didn’t even see Alien until encouraged by the Prometheus hype, never mind the fact that it is considered one of the best-crafted films of the last 40 years, regardless of genre.

  11. Hey Sara: I’m not a fan of drunk greahamites in tank tops, but as a 10 year pdx’er and Marine Corp Vet, I like to think that Fleet Week is a pretty cool event for our city.

    If you don’t like it, go to the Couve until it’s over

  14. The first year I moved here I was like “Whoa, are those dudes really for make-outs?” But my friends said they’re all homophobes. SAD. WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR EVEN. UGH.

  15. The notion that all events in Portland are graded by how much said events inconvenience cyclists is truely a testament to how moronic this city can be.

    Fact of the matter is, if this were boats filled with people supporting whatever flavor of the month cause you align yourself with, you’d be beside yourself with self satisfaction.

    The irony is those boats have a more diverse population living together than Portland ever has or ever will. We could all learn something from those who would so greatly offend the schedule of Sarah Mirk.

  16. Also worth pointing out how much the Merc aligns themselves with the causes of the young and poor… until they join the military. Then it’s “fuck ’em, I’ve got to get me and my Bianchi to the eastside.” If the same poor kids, white, black, latino, were camping out in a park instead of living at least the next 4 years on a boat, you’d be singing their praises.

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