- Mary Contrary
WHEN EXACTLY did Portland become a sprawling scare house, unrecognizable to even the oldest Portland witches and wizards? Well, RIGHT WHEN ALL YOU MONSTERS GOT HERE, of course!
Look. It’s okay that you’ve come here to scare. This city is a magnet for the young and fanged. And (DUH), you’re not actually sorry for being a creature. Monstering is a fun, carefree lifestyle that’s perfectly acceptable in Portland, and it’s even encouraged. So don’t apologize for being you, or for being here! However, try to avoid these transgressive trends of terror that may irritate those around you. It’s the polite thing to do when one of Oregon’s native skeletons gets all fired up about how kids are more scared of the housing crisis than an animated pile of walking bones.
DON’T brag about being the new monster in town. No one needs to know when you started lurking under beds in their neighborhood.
If you’re a monster from Oregon, DO make that clear from the start. “I know I’m a new monster to Portland, but I’m a Sasquatch born and raised in the Siskiyou National Forest,” is a get-out-of-jail-free card.
DON’T carry an umbrella.
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