RAPIDEYE / GETTY IMAGES
Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: My parents are visiting Portland for the first time. Can you suggest any cool places to take them? —Janice R., Southeast Portland
GAAAAAHHHHH FUCKING GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHIT FUCK… MOVE!! (Honk! Honk!) MOVE YOUR GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT CAR!! (Honk!) YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? TELL YOUR PARENTS TO STAY AWAY FROM PORTLAND, UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE STUCK FOREVER IN A GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHITSHOW! (Hoooonk!) MOVE! MOVE ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!