Bad news, guys, a real estate brokerage based in San Mateo, CA (hey, that’s where I went to elementary school!) has ranked the top 10 cities in Oregon, and Portland is only #7.
Look, I know they’re baiting us, but still:
- Movoto
Where exactly is Bend and why is it sitting atop our list? What is Portland doing at No. 7? And how happy is Happy Valley? Keep reading, because we Sherwood like to tell you. The following paragraphs will explain how we got our list and will focus on the best parts of each city and just what makes them so special.
Sherwood like to tell you. Here’s the bullshit reasoning:
A lot of things make a city awesome, but in order to find these best cities in Oregon, we needed a list of measurable criteria across the board. So we came up with these eight:
Amenities
Cost of living (percent above or below state’s average)
Crime rate
Education
Median household income
Home value
Distance to closest 5-star rated hiking
Distance to closest ski resortWe started with a list of the 50 most populous cities in Oregon and ranked them from one to 50 in each of the criteria above, with one being the best. Then, we averaged the numbers for each city, gave them an overall Big Deal Score—the lower the number, the higher the city ranked.
See what they said about Portland after the break. (Trigger warning: The word “hipster” is used twice.)
In recent years, Portland has become everybody’s favorite hipster city, due to shows like “Portlandia” and, well, all the hipsters there. But there is so much more to Portland. For one—did you know that the cost of living in Portland is actually pretty low compared to a lot of other cities in Oregon? And that their home values are 35 percent higher than the Oregon average?
Portland is breathtaking. St. Johns Bridge, the Lan Su Chinese Gardens, the Portland Japanese Gardens, and Pittock Mansion are just a handful of the man-made attractions in the city. And as far as natural beauty goes, there is Forest Park, the Aspen Trailhead trail, Mount Hood for skiing, the Hoyt Arboretum… And the list goes on and on. In fact, the only reason Portland didn’t come in closer to the top seems to be its crime rate– 79 percent higher than the state’s average. But hey, it’s a big city. No hard feelings, Portland.
Those aren’t cities.
They’re plump blood-filled parasites that have securely attached themselves to the scraggly, mangy underbelly of the filthy beast that is Portland. Aside from drinking its rancid blood they occasionally dine upon the stray piece of carrion that is flung their way when a freshly discovered rotting carcass is consumed in a violent frenzy.
And why is Bend at the top of the list? Could it be that Bend was massively over-developed during the housing bubble and now there are no jobs and a ton of empty real estate? It’s a great town if you’ve got money and are looking to retire.
I will view Happy Valley as a city when ice lollies go on sale in Hell.
I blame the bums.
Bend obviously won because it’s the closest to “5-star rated hiking” and a ski resort. Now, I just want to know who gets to rank hiking trails as being “5 stars”; Peter Travers of Rolling Stone and Leonard Maltin?
Obviously they didn’t account for the ‘Hipster’ X-Factor in their ratings.
Would not want to live in the Bend area. Too hot in the summer and cold as hell in the winter.