I want to start an Oregonians-with-umbrellas meme, who’s with me? (Also, if anyone has any tips on sturdy umbrella brands, I could use ’em—this happened on the Burnside Bridge this morning and for 20 minutes it was like I was the protagonist in a movie about a high school nerd who eventually gets the girl but I was stuck in an early establishing shot of just how pathetic his life is.)

Obviously, everything about Portland is terrible at this moment. It is raining super hard and windy and my cat was in a super bad mood this morning and kept biting me on the foot and suicide actually seemed like a viable alternative to getting out of bed. So I looked to the internet for encouragement (never a bad idea) and found this Lifehacker article about ways to “make waking up comfortable and pleasurable (instead of punishing),” which encouraged me to:

1. Stretch.
2. Consider a “scented oil diffuser (perhaps put on a timer) with oils that are supposed to be energizing, like citrus” (?? do I live in a Turkish harem? I do not.)
3. Make a sunrise simulator.

Fuck that. I need a new umbrella.

Alison Hallett served nobly as the Mercury's arts editor from 2008-2014. Her proud legacy lives on.

32 replies on “Portland Is the Worst.”

  1. I saw a dude standing with an umbrella over by the Esplanade the other day. A cute young dude. And I was all “You get down with yo’ bad self, cute young dude.”

    And then I hated myself for using those words. But still. Umbrella. YES.

  2. I use a kid’s umbrella. It is perfect for 1 person, it is super sturdy, AND it has nice plastic protectors on the points so I don’t stab myself (or other pedestrians) in the eye.

    It happens to have ladybug dots and eyes, which sometimes is a bit odd when I’m grumpy and refusing to smile at the jealous 4 year old. But such is life.

  3. Umbrellas are for jerks. Aren’t you a NW native, Alison? Just pull your hood up, tuck your head down, and keep walking.

    Count me in the minority, but I love the rain — fall and winter are my favorite seasons. It’s why I stay in Oregon. Getting bundled up and hiking in the rain? It’s the best. Staying inside and cooking squashes and soups, drinking seasonal beers and brandy, canning and preserving the stuff we grew in our garden? The best. Time to catch up on all the great books I half-finished this summer? Yaaaaay.

  5. So I grew up here and we always used umbrellas in heavy rain. Not in mist or drizzle — that would be silly. And we would mock you.

    But heavy rain? Yep, I’ve always used umbrellas. So, I say, go ahead and use an umbrella if you like. Just don’t poke me in the eye with it.

  10. While visiting Tokyo, I got stuck in a intense downpour and was taking cover under a buisness awning, watching people walk by me and my suitcase.
    Some guy who had walked by minutes before returned and handed me an umbrella. A gift! I tried in my limited Japanese to offer some money in exchange, but he wouldn’t accept it.
    A cheapy clear plastic umbrella. I still have it.
    I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers.

  12. I know there’s a pretty important Umbrella vs. Go Back to California, You Pussy debate going on here, but I’m just going to throw in my personal experience with the whole sunrise simulator thing:

    http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Hf3470-60-Wa…

    It was a splurge, but this baby has been to best thing in my life since I landed a job that requires me to be up at worst hour on the clock. It really does make waking up on dark mornings much less daunting. I’m a super hard sleeper, and I’m usually mostly awake by the time the chirping birds (!!!) alarm starts up at 3:30.

  13. ALWAYS BUY CHEAP UMBRELLAS. YOU’LL LOSE THEM EVENTUALLY, AND THEN YOU’RE OUT A BUNCH OF MONEY FOR THAT UNBREAKABLE UMBRELLA WITH A SWORD IN IT.

    ALSO, CARRYING AN UMBRELLA MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE THE PENGUIN FROM BATMAN.

  15. Native Oregonians use umbrellas, they just don’t buy them. (See comment #9.) I refused to use an umbrella until I turned fifty. Now I don’t care what anyone thinks about how it looks. (I *am* the Penguin, motherfuckers!) I have nothing to prove by standing around dripping wet for nine hours at work, and I don’t smell like wet dog on the bus. Mainly, I use it to keep my netbook dry.

    Allison, I use a big black Totes umbrella. (Road kill.) It’s tall as a cane, has strong-wind venting and is big enough to cover me and my backpack. It has been a bigger problem keeping track of it than it breaking. Over a year so far, only one inversion. It snapped back perfectly.

    Did I mention it’s big enough to share with a cutie at the bus stop?

  16. The “I’m-from-Portland-and-therefore-don’t-need-an-umbrella” thing is sort of tiresome. The fact is, most of the rain here isn’t actual driving rain like they get on the East Coast or in subtropical regions, but rather a just a moist misery-mist that enrobes the city with ambient moisture. The rain doesn’t generally sting your eyes or lash at your skin, so we can get away with just huddling inside of a hood.

    My umbrella folds into a small, easily carry-able little bundle that fits in most bags and many pockets. I got it from a street vendor in Korea during a right and proper typhoon, and it’s been handy ever since. I like being non-soaked.

  18. I logged on expecting the “Oregonians don’t use umbrellas” hipster smug cred comments, but I must say that the next level, one-upsmanship of “I’m an Oregonian and I in fact do use an umbrella contra to what Mercury commenters say” caught me off guard.

    Oregonians don’t use umbrellas.

  19. Susan Orlean, biographer of Rin Tin Tin, wrote an excellent article for the New Yorker about the UMBRELLA OF THE FUTURE!

    In it, she mentioned the Senz, which was designed by Dutch university students! It’s got a sharp, asymmetrical look to it; so, at the very least, you don’t have to look like some non-native, invasive species from California, who carries around an umbrella. It’s a win-win.
    http://www.thegreenhead.com/imgs/senz-orig…

  20. Because, as The Right Reverend Rocktimus Prime pointed out, our rain (forgive the former WeatherMan instincts that die hard) falls mostly from strataform clouds, and not too hard. Nothing like the intense showers you can get in other parts of the world that fall from cumuliform clouds.
    Oregonians who brag on ‘no umbrellas’ would soon be changing their tune if we got that kind of rain.

  22. What Alison neglects to point out: That umbrella puddle pictured in her post WAS MY UMBRELLA! So what she’s really saying is Courtney needs a new umbrella.

  24. Alison “borrows” your umbrella only to thrash it? Further, uses said umbrella as a soarce of literary inspiration?
    I’d say she owes you – big time.

  25. I’ve had the same umbrella for 11 years or so. I bought it at Meier and Frank. I don’t use it that often, the rain is rarely bad enough to need it. Also find they’re kind of a pain to carry.

  31. It’s true that today would have been an umbrella day, except I don’t own one and I was working in the rain anyway, which precludes umbrella use. I also think that an umbrella wouldn’t have been much help right around two o’clock when it was really pissing down.

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