OH! WHY, HELLO THERE, newcomer! Welcome to Portland, Oregon. You’ve picked a wonderful city in which to live, and… oh. Okay, I see you’ve brought your friends. Aaaaand they’ve brought their friends, too! Well… NO PROBLEM. In fact, on behalf of everyone here at the Portland Mercury, I say “the more, the merrier!”—although you might run into a few people who don’t share our enthusiasm for your arrival. But don’t sweat it: Whether you’re a new arrival or not, these grumblers are in constant battle with the natural order of the universe, which as we all know demands change. Spending their lives unnecessarily fighting their way upstream can be EXHAUSTING, hence their grumpy and unwelcoming demeanor.
That’s why this should be your mantra for the next few months: “I belong here just as much as anyone else—and I promise not to be a dickhole about it.” (Unfortunately a few insensitive, entitled dickholes arrived before you, thereby saddling all newcomers with the unfair reputation of being insensitive, entitled dickholes. Don’t worry… these people are being dealt with.)
The fact of the matter is, your arrival is a blessed, joyous event, and we’re sincerely glad you’re here. So! What did you bring with you?
