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As the election looms, I have been hearing from more people who claim that if McCain wins they are moving to Canada. For serious this time. No, really… They’re not going to puss out like four years ago. They will really, definitely leave. Really.

Okay, I believe these people are going to follow through with their post McCain contingency plan about as much as I believe Sarah Palin is experienced enough to run a fucking voting booth. Still, I like the hypotheticals. So here’s my big What If for the day:

What If Portland experienced a great Canadian migration after a McCain win? Imagine all of the disaffected individuals with bruised egos and shattered pride, hopping aboard their Volvos and recumbent bicycles, making for Vancouver like Tommy Chong with a brownie jones…

Is it possible enough people might leave the city that the craft industry would collapse? What about the dive bars and playground sports leagues? What about the record shops and independent theaters? Would it mean the collapse of Portland’s green economy? Shouldn’t we have some kind of contingency plan for this?

Because, I swear, if McCain gets elected and Portland is ruined because of a mass migration to Canada, I’m totally moving to Mexico. I mean it. For serious. Really.

16 replies on “Should Portland Prepare for a Great Migration?”

  1. “Shouldn’t we have some kind of contingency plan for this?”

    Totally. The west coast should secede to form a new nation, and pass laws that make us even better than Canada.

  3. I’ve been one of those “no, for realz this time” jackasses. But not just because of McCain. I’d just like to live in a place that is cool with LETTING ME MARRY MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND OF SIX FUCKING YEARS. *ahem* The McCain thing would just be the straw on the bigoted camel’s back.

  6. Come on dude, you can’t just “move to Canada.” They’re a country, they have laws. What’s your plan, request political asylum? Good luck with that.

  7. I’ve seriously thought about it, but I have no idea how to actually move to Canada legally. What do I need to do? What is the best way to go about it? Don’t you have to have a job there before you can move there? How do I find out this information?

    No, seriously, if anyone knows HOW to move there, let me know please.

  8. If anyone was actually serious about this (as they equally were in 2000, 2004 etc) they’re about to find out real quick how the rest of the world treats immigration. And they ain’t gonna like it.

  9. Yes, you will need to have a job in order to move to Canada. Mercury readership is going to be very disappointed to learn that “unsafe bicycling habits” and “wearing clothes that don’t match” are not considered professions outside of central Portland.

  10. “”unsafe bicycling habits” and “wearing clothes that don’t match” are not considered professions outside of central Portland.”

    Oh man, that made my day. I actually looked into moving to Canada in 2004, and no, not because of Bush, because my lady at the time was going to do her ph.d there. It’s not as tough as you’d think to move there and set up shop. So if McCain wins and you have a house you’d like to sell me for cheap, or a place with cheap rent, let me know.

  11. the girlfriend and i have looked into which countries don’t have quarrantines for the dog. i would say that moving out of the country may be in consideration.

  12. Jake’s right, the dive bars will be fine. They’ll just be repopulated with their former clientele. For those seriously considering the move, it helps if you have expertise in some obscure profession that’s underrepresented up there. It also helps if you speak french, and in the case of Vancouver BC, cantonese as well. Personally, I’ll be staying around to take advantage of the drop in housing demand.

  16. I only scored 65 on the Skilled Worker Online Self-Assessment Test at chuffpdx’s link.

    The passing score is 67.

    One more year at my job and I qualify!

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