On Saturday, I had the strange honor of being a judge at the 2014 World Beard & Moustache Championships—which, as the Oregonian fretted, was a bit of a shit show—but in the most genial way.
I wasn’t even sure, before I arrived, if it would be a stage and lights deal, or more like a cat show, where people mill around poking at vendors and whatnot while multiple stages of judging take place. It was a stage ‘n’ lights job after all, with Byron Beck taking on emcee duties, sometimes under duress. There were several thousand people in attendance, nearly filling the seats at the Keller Auditorium. Being on a stage that size has never felt so blasé. The proceedings were casual, somewhat bawdy, and yes, a little clunky. My fellow judge Pennie Lane and I had decided we’d switch off duties over the course of the long day (about five hours), taking turns judging and presenting medals to the winners of each category. Yes, there were technical snags (my name remained on the projection screen as a judge throughout, even as Pennie voted in my place for hours), and from my vantage in the wings it became increasingly difficult to find/herd/organize 300 contestants (many of whom were increasingly drunk as the afternoon went on).
I have zero perspective on how organized or not-organized these events are as a rule, and considering the size of the staff, they did a pretty bang-up job. The O kind of slayed Beck on his emcee duties, but he was being thrown a lot of direction behind the scenes to variously slow down and speed up the proceedings, including the occasional request that he “tell some jokes” and otherwise fill time while the next round of contestants were being lined up. Lists kept changing as contestants went astray (this went particularly amok during the “Musketeer” round), and I couldn’t make out most of what he said—while apparently clear from the audience, his mic garbled his words from the stage, to the point that many of the men around whose necks I hung medals hadn’t even caught the fact that they’d won until that moment. Still, in Beck’s defense, it was a long, unscripted gig in front of a rowdy audience. I didn’t envy him.
There were a few lecherous incidents and a temper tantrum or two backstage, but overall the vibe, however chaotic, was positive, even heartwarming. Some of them may have been a bit bleary-eyed when they said it, but a number of contestants, particularly ones who’d traveled for it, sincerely (if misplacedly) thanked me for the event, However silly it looked from the outside, there was earnestness and pride in the eyes of many of these guys—just maybe not the one who sputtered that he just wanted “some more fuckin’ liquor!”
Also there were some very interesting facial hair arrangements, of course, including my personal favorite, a carefully segmented whip of a beard that hung all the way down to its owner’s boot spurs:
- Byron Beck via Instagram
If nothing else, the event was well documented. More images here, here, and here.