This just in… IT IS WINDY, gang! That means it’s a perfect opportunity to have a Portland-style panic party, and settle in for some good old fashioned Twitter WIND PORN! Hit it, sexually excited local news teams!

Be sure to stay safe out there, and if a branch falls in your yard, alert any and all of the local news stations immediately!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)