Her: Good morning, honey. Have you been thinking of a new way to degrade the dog today?
Him: Why, I certainly have! Let’s dress him in underpants.
Her: Not bad, not bad… but let’s flesh that idea out a little. How about we dress him in underpants, AND make him stand on a hay bale for two-and-a-half minutes?
Him: LOVE IT. Wait… wait… I’m getting an idea… how about we make him stand on a hay bale for two-and-a-half minutes, dress him in underpants, AND strap two baby bottles to him soooooo…
Him & Her: THE GOATS CAN SUCK ON THE BABY BOTTLES!!
Her: I love it!
Him: I love you!
Dog: Fuck you both, SO MUCH.
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.) More by Wm. Steven Humphrey
Is that a pink scrunchie on the goat’s face?
Goats are a lot like humans. They’ll suck on anything.