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“Look… guys… c’mon. I’m gonna be fine, okay? This fork in my brain? It’s just a minor setback, that’s all. They’re going to remove it, I’m going to be as good as new, and there’s no reason to make this a ‘BIG INTERNET DEAL,’ you know what I mean? I would much prefer to be remembered as a super cute puppy on one of those super cute animal sites. So if you could just maybe stop staring at the fork in my head, and maybe just forget you even saw this picture that would be great. Seriously, as soon as I pass the neurological exams, and get the stitches out, I’m going to do something that’s so awesomely cute, you won’t even remember this insignificant fork incident. Maybe I’ll cuddle with a baby tiger! Or climb into a basket of kittens! Maybe I could pose with a baby seal, and… and… C’MON GUYS! STOP STARING AT THE FORK!!!“

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

7 replies on ““Please Stop Staring at the Fork in My Head.””

  2. Wow! A dog that clearly had a fork intentionally jammed into its skull is so so funny!!!!!!!!! Man, Humphrey really makes me laugh so hard, he is so fucking funny! So fick fucking funny! His humore never gets old, he is so edgy and ironic, so Portland!

  4. William Steven Humphrey, I love your writing. I really do. But posting something like this is not okay to me. It’s probably just me, and I’m sure I’ll get a ton of rude responses, but I have to say it anyway.

  5. “A dog that clearly had a fork intentionally jammed into its skull”

    A handle broke off a grilling fork and flew right into his head at a family party in Kentucky.

    Smokey then ran off into the woods and was lost for three days before being rescued. He was immediately taken to the hospital.

    Vets took just thirty seconds to remove the lodged barbecue fork in Smokey’s brain.

    What is “humore”?

  7. Really? Really? I read the story. A grilling fork flew off the handle and happened to puncture this dogs skull? Really you think that is plausable? Really? You must be a fick fucking idiot.

    Humore is a typo of humor, sorta like heumore, or hhumor. Too difficult to figure that one out? Further proof you are a fick fucking idiot.

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