Pride Is So Gay!

Oh, Pride!

People start murmuring about it months in advance, plotting outfits
and planning parties, dreaming of a queer critical mass in the Rose
City. Ask some gay and lesbian Portlanders about their Pride plans and
their eyes light up as they gleefully look forward to getting drunker
and sluttier than college freshmen. “This will be the year!” they
exclaim. “I’ll make new friends, meet the partner of my dreams, and
find personal satisfaction in gay life!” These same people can later be
seen staggering along the waterfront, eyes glazed over in a sea of tank
tops and buzz cuts, hypnotized by the sales pitches for cars and vodka
and beer. This may be “pride,” but is this dignity?

First, a history lesson. When most people think “pride,” they think
Stonewall, the legendary 1969 uprising of the drag queens and fags of
New York against gay-baiting police. However! American gay pride
demonstrations actually started with the Mattachine Society, a
group of buttoned-down Communist “bachelors” who began holding public
protests way back in the 1950s. These demonstrations were a cross
between Leave it to Beaver and Mad Men—conservative
PR events intending to show the public that “homophiles” weren’t the
wild degenerates they were commonly considered to be.

Fast forward to the present-day Portland Pride waterfront, where
modern “homophiles” celebrate their queer freedom by, well, behaving
like wild degenerates! It’s enough to make one wish there was a little
more Mad Men in the modern mix.

But beyond anything happening on the waterfront or in the bars,
Portlanders hetero and homo alike have much to be proud of. We’re the
first major US city to have an openly gay mayor—and a handsome
gay mayor who can DJ, at that! We’re home to Storm Large, the
omni-sexual neo-diva who’s like Judy Garland with a Black Butte in her
hand and a switchblade in her boot. We’ve got notable queers making
world-famous music, writing world-renowned books, and designing tacky
underwear worn worldwide. Hell, our Pride celebration is even one of
the first in the world to be certified carbon-neutral!

With such an array of thrillingly gay things in this city, why be
blinded by the glare of waxed chests at the waterfront? I present to
you five places off the beaten path where breeders and queers alike can
get a flavor of homo life without that viscous, salty aftertaste.

1) Crush Brunch. If you ever wake up asking yourself, “Where
the hell am I?” or, “Why is glitter pasted to my face?”—welcome
to my life! Crush lets you down easy after a night of partying with
unique breakfast cocktails and the same DJ you heard last night. Have a
Cactus Fizz and ogle the Eastside A-Gays. It’s the breakfast of
champions. (crushbar.com)

2) Rooster Rock. Pride weekend is the perfect time to check
out Rooster Rock, Portland’s own gay nude beach. All of the frightening
trolls are off being sallow in the bars, so you’re free to get a
jumpstart on your tan without fear of ravishment! (oregonstateparks.org)

3) In Other Words Bookstore. Hell, it’s the only surviving
nonprofit women’s bookstore in the country! This in and of itself is
reason to support this gem. It’s also home to Homorobics (which
legitimizes your Spandex outfit collection) and Dirty Queer XXX Open
Mic (which legitimizes your leather outfit collection). (inotherwords.org)

4) The North Portland Eagle. “Eeew!” collectively shriek the
twinks and the lesbians. I hear you, it’s not a place for women or
children—but let’s face it: where else in town is there a greater
chance for a Thursday night pool tournament to lead to a man-on-man
orgy? Hell yeah. (eagleportland.com)

5) The Q-Center. This overwhelmingly inclusive community
center is the crown jewel of the things Portland can be proud of. From
Trans Prom to Family Pride, yoga classes to gay teen dances—the
Q-Center provides an intergenerational, multicultural, family-friendly,
progressive, and rad expression of the vast diversity and unusually
rich resources available to Stumptown queers, and it’s open to
everyone. (pdxqcenter.org)