MY ASSIGNMENT FOR THIS STORY was to find Portland’s bisexual underground. I searched, but mostly found silence.
Save for a lightly trafficked internet forum dedicated to Portland’s female bi community (gettingbipdx.com), I found nary a blog or support group, a tweet-up or dance night, or even so much as a flash mob meant for bisexual men and women. What I did find on the Getting Bi Portland forum were discussions of marginalization from both the queer and straight worlds. If anyone needed an underground, you’d think it would be bisexuals.
Gay men, lesbians, and transgender people have worked hard to develop community and resources. There need to be safe places to drink, dance, talk, and be proud. However, it can often feel like even in a community with seemingly endless sub-classifications (ethnic queers, bears, sporty lesbians), bisexuals are given the cold shoulder—especially if they happen to be in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
I came out fairly early. I knew by the time I’d reached my teens I had no gender requirements when it came to sex. I was as comfortable making out with boys as I was with girls.
When asked today, I identify as bisexual. But I’ve found in the gay community, that doesn’t count for much. When dating a woman, a bisexual man going for a drink at a gay club means being marked as either traitor or trophy trick.
It’s reasonable for gay men and lesbians to be disdainful of bisexuals’ ability to assimilate into straight culture. More than that, a bisexual can take advantage of something quite precious: the right to legally wed. Two years ago, I took advantage of that right. It didn’t help any of my gay and lesbian friends win marriage equality, and I suffered considerable guilt about my opposite-sex union being recognized by state and federal governments. It’s difficult not to feel like I’ve forfeited any hope of further camaraderie with the gay community.
But being in a monogamous relationship with a woman doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being attracted to men. It doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly forgotten all the words to A Chorus Line or that I no longer mince about and sing along loudly to “Dance 10, Looks 3” when I play the original cast recording. It doesn’t erase the five-year relationship I had with a man, or the horrors of watching him approach the brink of death when his HIV infection developed into full-blown AIDS, just as it doesn’t erase the relief of watching him respond to a drug cocktail, which eventually made the infection undetectable.
Being married also doesn’t make things magically easier. I still identify as bisexual. By writing this, I’m essentially coming out yet again, and when my wife’s family finds this piece online, we’ll have to deal with their reaction.
Living out is a constant struggle for all queers, but for bisexuals in a heterosexual relationship, it requires being proactive. Oregon’s openly bisexual (and married) Secretary of State Kate Brown has written for outhistory.org of being called “half-gay” by her gay friends, and living with the feeling of operating between two worlds. But even as the country’s highest-ranking bisexual holding political office, she’s still off the radar: I only learned about her bi status recently from a gay colleague.
Obviously my experience isn’t unique among bisexuals, and maybe that’s the true underground. Perhaps there are more like me out there, who watch from the sidelines during Pride, not sure how they fit in the gay community anymore, living in heterosexual relationships: too queer for the straights and too straight for the queers.
I don’t want this to sound like a complaint. I’ll take my camaraderie where I can get it. In the meantime though, I’ll stay away from queer events where I feel my wife and I wouldn’t be welcome.
That doesn’t mean I’ll live quietly. It doesn’t mean that I’ll hide behind the cover of a marriage. I will live out and proud as bisexual. And even though some of my gay and lesbian peers might look at me with disdain, I’ll continue to fight for their equal rights. I might not be invited to their party, but that’s not going to keep me from standing outside and dancing my ass off.
Dykes and Fags and Transfolk still use “LGBTQ” to describe “their” community. Well, guess what the “B” is for! That’s US: the Bi-folks, those more or less equally sexually attracted to “both” (as if there are only two) genders. Anyway, the point remains: we are a part of the lexicon; we are a part of the reality. We are just as queer as any dyke, fag, or trans, our ability to “pass” notwithstanding. Plenty of “L’s” and “G’s” can pass. They’re mistaken for hetero every day without anyone calling into question their queer cred.
You know, most homo’s are right-handed. Does that make left-handed queers less gay?
I’ve just taken the “call myself queer” route. Being bisexual is like being a half-elf. Hah! If you understand that one, you’re a supernerd.
People love hierarchies.
And any chance they get to think they’re *better* than someone else, most will take it.
Even (gasp!) homosexuals… perform this most human of activities.
It’s one constant I have found in virtually ALL walks of life. Certainly in all GROUPS of people.
At the library, the gym, the conservative forums, the liberal forums, here, at school, at home, in jail, at AA, in activist circles, at poetry readings, meditation groups, etc. Get a group together and watch the competition begin!
The rules and ‘categories’ up for judgement may differ but there’s always a silent selection process on who is more….book-smart, athletic, conservative, liberal, witty, scholarly, successful, ruthless, addicted, active, poetic, meditative, etc. Whatever the situation calls for.
http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/blogs/…
See?
@JustinB, I disagree with your premise that people always want to think they’re better than other people. It just so happens that out of the universe of Blogtown commenters, I am clearly the most book-smart, athletic, conservative, liberal, witty, scholarly, successful, ruthless, addicted, active, poetic, and meditative. Is simply recognizing that fact the equivalent of worshiping hierarchy?
I guess you’re just not liberal, meditative and ruthless enough to call a spade a spade.
And for that, I feel really bad for you.
I think a lot of the reason that gays are condescending and/or mistrusting of bi’s is that a lot of us were burned by a bi SO at one time or another. It’s really hard to compete with biological children and social acceptance, and it seems (immature I know) that bi’s get to have the cake and go down on it too.
Interesting article. I’ve shared the experience for sure, but never really bothered giving it too much thought.
Bisexual=Have your cake and go down on it too. Quit yer gripin’. You get twice the play with built in social acceptance.
On a mature side note, pssst..I’ll tell you a secret. The real reason gays and lesbos dislike bi’s is because most of have been dumped by someone who fooled around with us and then went back to their hetero herd. So in essence you are getting the projected hurt of our wee little broken hearts.
Sorry for my double comments. The site keeps telling me i have an error.
I spent five years in a relationship with a female to male transgendered individual. I am lesbian (and we were together for four years prior to his transition.) Because of his desire to live “stealth” and not have anybody know he was born female, I was required to live under the guise of being heterosexual. Not that I’m a militant lesbian or anything, but it was tough to not be able to express who I really was within a community that I had been an active part of prior to all of this.
I guess what I am saying is that while I’m not bisexual, I think I have a unique perspective as a lesbian on what it would be like to have to hide who you are from the world at large and even from your own community.
And of course there are plenty of folks within the gay/lesbian community who do not understand trans folks either and get very upset when they are able to pass and then live as heterosexuals (if they choose to.) My ex and I were able to legally be married once he transitioned, and it didn’t make many of my friends very pleased that we were taking advantage of something that we they couldn’t… several said because he was living a lie.
All of that aside, I get it… on both sides. And I just want to say that this unique perspective has given me the ability to be more accepting of everyone within the community. LGBTQ… we are the folks that the outside world doesn’t “get”. So we should all work harder at “getting” each other. We are a community and will be stronger for the acceptance we show each other that we aren’t able to find in the purely straight world.
@CommentyColin
I think you misunderstood my first post.
Or you’re being incredibly witty.
*I can’t tell the difference anymore!*
Ba-Da-BING!!!! OW!!!!
ANOTHER ZINGER FROM OL ‘JB’!!!!
I’M ON FYA!! PUT ME OUT!!!
See?
Clearly, I deserve to be placed among the pantheon of pithy soothsayers such as Commenty Colin.
Make it so #1.
Being bisexual has shown me that gay people can often be bigoted hypocrites, just like those that tend to prey upon them. Especially gay men, why is that?
Um, because we’re human?
Patrick- I REALLY hope you ditched the goat, that wasn’t gunna attract anyone, male or female. I say that as a friend…
Patrick- I REALLY hope you ditched the goat, that ain’t gunna attract anyone, male or female.
I was trying to meet a woman through Craigslist who posted she was looking for her “Dream Girl” and stated she’s a lesbian. I sent her my brief bio and a pic. Here was her response…
“Thanks for the response, but I’m not into dating women who are essentially straight and that have boyfriends. Best of luck, I’m sure that there are some women out there who would dig it. ~Missy”
My Reply…
“No worries, I just enjoy both men & women. It’s a gift. Take care!”
There’s really no point in being rude to an ignorant bigot of a person. I just stated the truth of who I am and she obviously can’t handle the fact that there are all kinds of walks of life. She can recognize her own unique sexuality, but, cannot recognize the bisexuality. That’s just ignorant and being a bigot. It’s ok for her to be different, but all be damned if it’s ok for there to be bisexual women! What a rude bigot.
@spartacus
You are one of the people that give bisexuals a bad name. Gay, straight, or otherwise, if someone is going to cheat in a relationship then they are just going to do it despite their sexuality. I constantly have to fight in my relationships about being monogamous because to me people are people and anyone has the opportunity to be in my life, should I choose them to. Just because we like both sexes does NOT mean we are quick to fuck the gender we are not currently with.
And the fact that you said “Bisexual=Have your cake and go down on it too. Quit yer gripin’. You get twice the play with built in social acceptance.” reeeeaaaally makes this girl angry. Just in the crap you have posted already you show what he was writing in the first place, which is that we are not always accepted. It took a lot of strength to get to the point where people accept me for who I am, but often still hear from assh***s like you that think we sleep around a lot or cannot pick a side, as if there are rules to intimacy.
We as Bisexuals have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. We have the right to believe SeXuAlItY iS lIkE tHis, not like this and as more people come out (once or numerous times) the more accepting people will become.