WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE STOP WITH THE “SANTA CLAUSE” NONSENSE ALREADY, AND REALIZE THAT CHRISTMAS IS ACTUALLY ABOUT CHRIST?? SO MUCH SO, IN FACT, THAT I CAN’T TURN MY CAPS OFF!!
Oh, there we go. That’s better. Anyway, for those who really, really want to bum out your holiday guests, or Santa while he’s dropping off the presents, perhaps you should purchase the “CHRIST-mas Tree” (get it?) which lovingly shoves a New Testament torture device into the comfort of your living room. AND IT’S ONLY $299.99!!! (Christ, what is wrong with my caps lock?)

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Get yours here, and thanks for the tip A.V. Club!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

5 replies on “Put Christ Back Into Christmas… by Killing Him”

  5. It was the very first memory I’ll never forget, and it happened round this time of year. I looked up and said “why didn’t Santa come this year mom?” And she just shook her head and frowned. ”well, see it was the oddest thing” she replied, “sort of a chain reaction that followed Rudolph’s death.
    ” ‘after Santa left the north pole, following the disappearance of Rudolph, Santa tried to use the stars for guidance, like back in the old days, and then all of the sudden, popped out of the sky was the figure of Jesus Christ and some wise old geezers whispering something in his ear.”
    Mom drew in a long breath, and hesitated for a moment.
    “Well, son,” she replied still reluctantly,
    “That was when Santa tore off his red coat and hat and started dancing naked in his sleigh,”
    Mom wiped cheek with her hand like something was tickling it
    ” all of the sudden, Santa dives out of his slay and grabs Jesus by the throat choking struggling to squeeeeeeeze the life out of him….” she sighed
    “”CHRISTMAS is MY HOLIDAY MOTHER FUCKER”” mom dropped her voice deep like she does sometimes when she wants to freak someone out. “and the strangest part was that Jesus was actually floating there as if he were truly the iconic deity that is described in those books the fellers next door read in church, and that’s when they fell son.”
    Mom looked sad suddenly, but slightly relieved in an odd way considering we were talking about Santa’s no/call no/show, I mean the cookies were still on the table next to the tree!
    “Were there witnesses?” I asked, curious as to how mom knew all this, and so suddenly, and that’s when she turned on the news. There it was all over the news, the witnesses who had seen Jesus and Santa rumble in the sky but the reports all came back conclusive; neither figure, nor scar of the land was left to trace. No sleigh, no reindeer, and no gifts….just a photo…..and on the back a message: “you’re next Santa”

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