I’m away for Christmas. Please enjoy these Christmas-themed questions from the Savage Love archives. Ho, ho, ho! — Dan

I'm a straight married guy who spends the vast majority of every year working on site overseas supervising a large scientific experiment my business partner and I set up. The location is extremely remote, and my wife of five years prefers to live at our house in England. Like me, she is 36 and extremely attractive and I was always very suspicious about what she got up to in my absence. We do not have an open relationship and, until recently, I have been faithful to her. But four weeks ago, my wife’s mother showed up unannounced at my work site and, over the course of two days, she told me in lurid detail about my wife’s many infidelities. It included some pretty shocking behavior, from group sex to gangbangs to escort work. I felt stunned and betrayed. My wife has lived a life of luxury thanks to my work, and she chose to be the local slut in the community where we live. The stories my mother-in-law told me were confirmed by my business partner’s wife.

This is where the story gets complicated. My mother-in-law is 20 years my senior and one of the most beautiful women I have ever been around. I have always had a strong attraction to her as she has had for me. On the third night she was with me we spent the night in bed together and had the most amazing sex and we have been together ever since. We have both fallen completely in love with each other. I can’t imagine being without her now, but I am obviously still married to her daughter. I am not totally naive, and I know my mother-in-law used my wife's confession to break up my marriage but that is something I can easily forgive her for.

We want to go home together around Christmas and spend a few weeks in the UK as a couple. How do I tell my wife that this is the new reality?

Mother-In-Law Fucker

Allow me, dear readers: Fake, fake, fake!

As for you, letter writer/problem maker upper, your “story" was plenty complicated before your bullshit second paragraph rolled around. Implausibly complicated. I mean, you're conducting a scientific experiment in a place that's “extremely remote” — so remote your wife refuses to live there — but it’s not so remote your mother-in-law can't drop in unannounced with hot goss about the wife.


Oh, and before spinning out a story that has everything — cheating, gangbangs, group sex (not all group sex is gangbanging, but all gangbangs are group sex), sex work, intergenerational sex — you pause to assure us that all involved are “extremely attractive,” a detail honest letter writers include when it's relevant and dishonest letter writers include when they're spinning out a fantasy they’re gonna wank to later or bullshitting me while they’re wanking. (A scientific experiment in extremely remote location? Are you sure you've been fucking your mother-in-law and not THE THING?!?)

And the question you wrap things up with, MILF? Gotta say… it’s pretty disappointing as bullshit questions tacked on at the end of bullshit letters go. Why would you be worried about telling your wife — your cheating, gang-banging-in-your-absence, doing-escort-work-on-the-side wife — that you're leaving her? Even for her mother? If she existed, MILF, your wife would be upset — the scandal, the publicity — but she’s not going to be upset at the thought of losing you… as it seems pretty clear that your fictional wife doesn't give a single holographic shit about you. So, why would you be worried about upsetting her? Would your chief concern under the circumstances really be the feelings of someone who betrayed you so spectacularly/fictitiously?

Your “new reality,” as you put describe this bullshit/whirlwind romance with the mother-in-law you made up, is far likelier to cause you headaches by scandalizing friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors — or it would scandalize friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors, MILF, if they existed, which they don't. That's the risk you would be running: Your fake wife did you fake wrong — you were the fake victim — but once it gets out that you’re fucking your wife’s extremely attractive mother, you're going to be seen as the villain. "How do I convince my friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors that I am not the bad guy?" would've been a much better question to wrap your bullshit question up with, MILF, not an expression of concern for your fake wife's feelings.

Originally published December 16, 2017.

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