My heart is breaking and it’s my own fault. I started cheating on my husband of 29 years, casually at first — making out, getting groped, no penetrative sex — and then I met a man and we just clicked. I caught feelings and we started to have an intense, kinky, and very sexual and emotional relationship.

I love my husband. We are extremely compatible in so many ways, except this one: I am kinky and poly whereas he is vanilla and monogamous. Even though I haven’t disclosed my cheating to him, we have been talking about my desire to be non-monogamous. He knows I’m kinkier than he is, although I can’t disclose how I came to know I need BDSM in my life. I have also discovered that I am bisexual, but not biromantic. Because of this, my husband has moved on monogamy and agreed to be a little monogamish: he consents to me exploring sexual encounters with women, primarily because he guiltily admits that he finds it a non-threatening turn-on since I am not romantically attracted to women.

I have presented to my husband that I WANT to be non-monogamous and that I am capable of polyamory. He hasn’t consented. Even though he says he doesn’t want to say no or hold me back from exploring my sexuality, he says if I were to issue an ultimatum, we would get divorced. So, this is basically his ultimatum. Meanwhile, my lover and I have recognized that the struggles in our relationship stem from the fact that I am cheating on my husband. It raises doubts for my lover about whether I am deceiving him, since I am obviously capable of deceit. I hate this. When I ask him what he wants, my lover says he wants me not to hate myself so much. And so, we have decided to “pause” our affair until I can figure out how to get right with my husband and be able to be ethically non-monogamous.

Adding to my heartbreak: I NEED both these relationships. My husband can only flex so far in the kink direction. He cannot be the dominant partner I need. I’ve told him this, more or less. And he takes it as saying that without that he is nothing, which is not true. He is almost everything, but he can’t stand being not “enough.” He is afraid that I will resent him if he doesn’t agree to non-monogamy. Which I don’t. But if we divorce so I can feel fulfilled, that will destroy him. I don’t think he believes I would choose non-monogamy or kink over him. And I really don’t want to leave him or lose my lover. I cannot choose between them. I need them both. My heart is BREAKING. Help.

Brokenhearted And Seeking Insightful Counsel

I’m sorry about your heart but I can’t with your problem.

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