I’m frustrated. I’m transmasc and use silicone “attachments.” My partner is AMAB. Also relevant: We have very old hardwood floors, non-laminated. For YEARS, I have expressed frustrations about the careless ways my partner handles silicone lube. Multiple times, he has created dangerous slippery spots on the floor by spilling it. Our old hardwood floors absorb it and it won’t come out. (I have slipped while getting out of bed because it’s now slippery there. Also, mildly annoying, stains on sheets, blankets, etc., including the brand-new sheets that we began using a month ago.) Also, even more frustrating, I have REPEATEDLY pointed out that my (very expensive) silicone parts can be damaged and have a shorter lifespan if silicone is used directly on them.

I have gone to great lengths to make sure we always have an assortment of silicone, hybrid, and water lubes, as well as non-lubricated condoms that can be placed over my silicone dicks with the option to put silicone lube on the outside. I have purchased cheap plastic trays to leave lubes on so excess lube doesn’t run down the outside of the bottle. I have bought a few cheap towels that can be kept nearby so lube bottles that are tossed don’t wind up on the sheets, couch, floor, etc. And yet he keeps putting the silicone lube directly onto silicone parts and being careless about spilling on the floor, bed, couch, etc.

I am at my wit’s end. The worst part is that he is usually the one who handles cleaning floors and bedding, so he should definitely understand this! I completely lost my libido recently because he was about to put silicone lube directly on a new silicone vibrating butt plug and then accidentally spilled it on the living room floor, which I immediately scrubbed by hand. Suddenly, instead of feeling turned on, I was imagining the next time one of our elderly mothers walks into the living room and falls down. This is no longer just about lube. This is about a total disregard for things that aren’t that difficult to manage, and if I reach the point where I have to get pedantic and say, “I don’t feel comfortable with you handling silicone lube anymore,” it’s a huge turnoff. Advice?

Sexy Partner Lacks Listening Skills

If your partner can’t be trusted to use the right lube for the right sex toy and/or the right lube for the right sex act, SPILLS, and if your partner can’t manage to get the lube out of the bottle and onto the toy and/or the hole without getting the lube all over the floors and the sheets and the furniture and your moms, then your partner shouldn’t be allowed to handle the lube. You shouldn’t have to apply the lube every time you have sex — you shouldn’t have to do all the e-lotional labor in this relationship (sorry) — but for your peace of mind and the safety of your elderly mothers, SPILLS, you might wanna do it.

Zooming out for a second…

There are two different issues here. The first is a practical one: your partner is staining the sheets, creating safety hazards, and damaging expensive toys, some of which you doubtless acquired (and wear) for his enjoyment. The second issue is symbolic: he’s not listening. He’s not taking your concerns seriously, to say nothing of your sheets, and that makes a spill that results from his inability — or his refusal — to something so simple as using the right lube and then setting the bottle down on the tray or a towel you provided for him ten times more upsetting. Seeing as partner was AMAB, I’m gonna guess that he may be one of those dudes who has difficulty thinking about anything besides the most immediate task when his dick is hard. Calling off sex when he fails to reach for the right lube and/or fails to set the lube bottle down on a tray or a towel might do the trick — it might break through — but if it doesn’t, SPILLS, I would suggest making the silicone lube less handy. Keeping the water-soluble lube on the tray sitting on your nightstand and the silicone lube in the drawer wouldn’t just add an extra step when he wants to use the silicone lube, it would require him to make a conscious decision that required him to think about what lube he was using and why.

P.S. Your letter made me think of all the gay men out there who take a hit of poppers, put the cap back on the bottle, and then open their hands and let the bottle fall… even though it means they won’t be able to find the bottle five minutes later when they want another hit because it’s was lost in the sheets.

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