I’m an early 40s lesbian in the Vegas area and I’m sorry to report that not all lesbians have gotten the memo that oral comes standard. I have faced this issue since I began dating. I’ve met many women who require creativity and persistence to come — and you know what? It’s my pleasure. I’m not just willing, I’m enthusiastic about doing whatever they need to get off. But when it comes time to reciprocate, there are too many women who don’t rise to the challenge. 

I was with my last ex for seven years. She was hot but not generous in bed. She was emotionally distant. I just didn’t feel wanted. It was a frustrating seven years, but much of that happened over the pandemic when it was hard to separate. And then when we did, she said it was because she’d realized she wasn’t attracted to women after all, and in fact had fallen for a man. Well, that explained a few things. I was devastated and didn’t date again for three years.

But recently, I stepped back into the dating game and met a wonderful woman. We share a love of horror movies, she’s easy to talk to, we have the same sense of humor, and she does things that make me feel cherished. It’s honestly refreshing. We were dating around a month when things got physical. But I’m sad — no, angry — to report that it’s the same problem all over again. This woman needs persistent effort, and it’s my pleasure to provide it, but when it comes time for her to return the favor, she isn’t up to the task. After a few minutes, she is done. We’ve had several discussions about preferences and what our bodies need for an orgasm to happen. She knows that manual stimulation takes forever to get me off, but oral sex has always been a reliable and efficient way to get me off. Except it’s just not happening. And I don’t just mean oral. I mean she was not enthusiastic about making me come once after I’d gotten her off multiple times. She begins cuddling me and seems to not give it a thought.

Despite everything else that’s so wonderful about this woman, after the same thing happened again tonight, I suddenly feel ready to kick her to the curb. Would she do it if I asked? Probably! But this is not something I should have to ask for. It defeats the purpose of minimum standards. When we say oral comes standard, that means it comes standard. We shouldn’t have to ask for it. We can say how we want it or whether we don’t want it, but otherwise it should be offered as a matter of course. If they can’t do so, then they should at least be enthusiastic about playing as strong a role as possible in making the other person come through other means. Because it’s not just oral that should come standard. Orgasms should come standard.

Am I overreacting, Dan? If a partner brings everything else but doesn’t bring the orgasms, are they disqualified? I am too old to waste time on partners who do not come to the bedroom enthusiastic about making me come. I’d rather stay home and take care of myself. I’m honestly crying a little bit. I’m just so disappointed.

Serious About Partner Having Orgasms

You’re not overreacting.

Oral has always come standard in lesbian relationships — the orgasm gap supposedly doesn’t exist in lesbian relationships (but you somehow keep pulling the short straw) — and, like power windows, oral has come standard in all relationships since the 1980s. A model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot.

But here’s the thing: you say your new girlfriend would “probably” get you off if you asked, which means… you haven’t asked. Now, your new girlfriend should be offering to get you off — she should return every favor, climb every mountain, ford every stream, etc. — without prompting. But if you wanna give this otherwise promising relationship a chance, you might wanna advocate for your own pleasure at least once. I mean, it’s crazy that I know oral is the quickest and most reliable way to make you come but your girlfriend doesn’t, SAPHO, considering I’m never gonna eat your pussy and eating your pussy is literally her job.

From the sound of things, SAPHO, your girlfriend has a pretty mannish/masc-coded refractory period — she crashes out after she comes — so along with telling her that oral is the fastest and most reliable way to get you off, you might wanna tell her you’re gonna go first: from here on out, she’s gets you off before you get her off. She fords your stream, then you ford hers.

Now, if you tell her all that and she still can’t be bothered to make you come… back to the lot she goes. You wasted seven years on a partner who didn’t think your pleasure was important, SAPHO, and you can and should tell your girlfriend you’re not making that mistake again.

P.S. Re: “A model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot.” This is a comedic overstatement. Some people can’t do oral for reasons, some people don’t care whether they’re getting oral, some people dislike giving and/or receiving. I see you, you’re valid. But if you’re receiving oral and not giving oral in return, you have some explaining to do — not to me, to your partner(s).

The background: I’m 65, my “partner” is 73. We met twenty years ago and divorced our wives to be together. Early on in the relationship I discovered that he uses meth. He assured me he didn’t have a problem. We went to couples counseling a few years back and the therapist told me during a private session that I’m better off leaving my partner because he was never going to give up meth. Then he contracted HIV, and I’m pretty sure he got it shooting up. He says no but I’ve seen needles in the house. I travel for work, and I know he has parties in my house when I’m gone — I’ve seen a parade of guys on my security camera — but we don’t have an open relationship (his rule, not mine). I have asked him to seek help, I’ve tried to support him, I’ve attempted to involve his family, and they’ve ignored me. I can’t bring myself to sleep with him anymore.

I’ve asked him to leave and find somewhere else to live. However, he is on limited income. He was a smart man, but he squandered his money and now relies on Social Security (and me) to cover his living expenses. He has lied to me, and his double life is dragging on me and I’m unsure what to do. I have a great job, travel all over the world for work, and could retire if I so desired. I’m not ready to retire, nor do I have a desire to live with this person. I know I should have kicked him out years ago, but now I feel like I’m stuck with him. I’m not sure what advice you can give to someone who feels stuck, used, and abused by a drug-addicted liar that I nonetheless don’t want to make homeless.

Despondent In Philly

Toss your “partner” out on his ass — just say go — but if you can’t bear the thought of your live-in ex-boyfriend (it’s already over) winding up on the street…

What would it be worth to you — financially— to have him out of your life? It sounds like you have resources. Your lying, cheating, drug-abusing “partner,” on the other hand, does not; it seems pretty clear that he’s only “with you” because he needs a place and a meal ticket. So, if you got him his own place — let’s say you bought a nice studio apartment on the other side of town and offered him enough money to live on for a year or two — do you think he’d leave? Would it be worth it to have him gone? If the answer to both those questions is yes, DIP, you could buy him and apartment of his own and pay him to go. But if you don’t wanna buy him out and you can’t bear the thought of tossing him out… you could choose to wait him out. The average male in the US lives to 75, DIP, and I can’t imagine a 73-year-old man who shoots meth is gonna beat the actuarial odds.

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Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A married mother did some sex work in her younger, wilder days. She’s turned on by money, so it seems obvious that she should be a findom. But the typical clientele prefer a younger woman to take their money. How can she get her middle-aged kink on?

Sometimes you get questions that can only be answered by a porn star. Fortunately, Dan knows some! We are delighted to welcome John Thomas to the show. (You may know him as “Best Bottom of 2021”) The extremely charming and visually compelling Thomas, helps answer  questions about ethical porn production, the supply and demand differential between tops & bottoms, and the dark art of douching. Listen here!