1. What if I’m turned on by my own trauma? What do I do with this?
 You do therapy with it.
And then after you’ve worked through your trauma with the help of your therapist (which includes unpacking your feelings about being turned on by your trauma), you can — taking the tiniest of baby steps — explore these turn-ons to see if they’re something you can safely and enjoyably incorporate into your IRL sex life or if they need to remain fantasy material only.
2. I’m a cis bi female fifty-something subbie in a committed relationship. I enjoy being teased and denied. I wish I could use a cock cage but sadly I lack the proper anatomy. Is there something equivalent for vagina-havers? Preferably something that doesn’t require piercings to hold it in place.
Has the insane popularity of male chastity devices in the last decade — cock cages — really obscured the fact that these “chastity devices” had to be qualified with “male” in the first place because “chastity devices” (aka “chastity belts”) were originally a tool of the patriarchy? If there are women out there who don’t know that chastity devices were originally used to deny women control of their own bodies/genitals… well, I guess that’s a sign of progress. And since signs of progress are few and far between these days, I think we should celebrate this one somehow.
P.S. A nice selection of high-end chastity devices for women can be found here.
3. You often say that folks routinely send you photos of their rashes/warts/etc., to which your response is “I’m not a doctor; go see a doctor!” Fair enough. But given that you’ve made a life-long career out of sex advice, and given that this field is closely linked to genital health, I have to wonder: by now do you think your genital medical expertise approaches that of a urologist/OBGYN?
Absolutely not! While I’m more informed about genital health than the average person (and way more informed about vaginal health than a gay man has any right to be), that’s entirely thanks to the actual doctors who’ve shared their expertise and insight with me over the years. Writing a sex advice column is a lot of things — most of them great — but it’s not med school.
4. We’re a lesbian couple, together for fifteen years. I’d like to spice things up a bit, so I suggested we watch porn. My wife expressed that as she’s gotten older, she’s become increasingly uncomfortable with the exploitation she perceives in most porn. I know some people perform in porn who don’t want to and who would prefer to make a living in other ways, but I also know that some people choose this as their career. The whole industry can’t be exploitative, right? I’d like to find ethical, exciting woman-centered porn to share with my wife. Do you have any suggestions for us?
“There is no such thing as perfectly pure labor under capitalism,” said Erika Lust, the award-winning filmmaker who creates sex-positive, indie adult cinema. “But there is a meaningful difference between exploitation and choice. Ethical porn exists because performers and directors like myself demanded better conditions, and because viewers like you refused to accept pleasure at someone else’s expense. If porn makes you ask hard questions, that doesn’t mean you should turn away. It means you’re ready to look deeper and to choose differently. That choice matters.”
And the porn Erika Lust creates — which includes amazing lesbian porn (not that you’re limited to watching lesbian porn) — is just what you and your wife are looking for. Subscribe and enjoy! Without guilt!
5. I’ve been texting with a distant man for about six months. He’s moving home soon, and we’ve been talking about love and marriage. He’s ideal except for one detail: I’m a Boomer (71 years old) and he’s GenX (43 years old). None of my, “You know, when you’re my age, I’ll be dead,” talks have had any effect on him. He’s everything I want, and it would sure make for an active retirement. But am I being selfish here?
I don’t think you’re being selfish — if you meet this man and you hit it off, feel free to enjoy him for as long as it lasts (or for as long as you do) — but there’s a good chance you’re being foolish. It doesn’t sound like you’ve met this man in person, which means any talk about love and/or marriage is premature. Infatuations are fine, and fantasizing about a future with a hot stranger is wonderful, but you shouldn’t be making long-range plans with someone you haven’t even smelled yet. And if he’s been initiating these conversations — if he’s the one bringing up marriage — that’s a red flag.
6. Does Dan have advice on how a lifelong vanilla person moves on from a six-month relationship where they were introduced to kink, power exchange, orgasm denial, edging, and more? I can’t see how one could be satisfied without kink now. I’ve just had a relationship like this end, and I feel that if I don’t get that again, my sex life will always be disappointing.
You have two options....
Â
Â
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: It’s the 1000th episode of the Savage Lovecast. We started in 2006, when George W. Bush was President. And look at us now!
We packed this show with as many quick questions as we could. (One minute or less.) And Dan answered as quickly as he could. And! We invited long time friends of the show to pop on and answer some questions as well: Ezra Klein, Esther Perel, Mistress Matisse, Mike Pesca, Therapy Jeff, Doc Barak, Joan Price, Dan’s Producer Nancy, and Dan’s husband Terry. The gang’s all here! You’ll get an inside look at how the show is made, and how Dan has evolved over these many years. LISTEN HERE!
