My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He has been a programmer
for as long as I have known him, which has meant dealing with him occasionally
not sleeping for four days straight, him being on call for work 24 hours a day,
and programming breakthroughs coming to him during intimate moments. All of which
I never minded. Programming is what he loves to do. But recently he took a new
job as a systems developer, and things have changed drastically. It has gotten
to the point where I am literally competing with computers for his time and affection.
He works all night, plays (PlayStation, computer games, or programming just for
the heck of it) all morning, and sleeps the rest of the time. Over the past three
months I have gradually been squeezed out. We don’t live together, and he makes
no real effort to talk to me. I always have to call him. I have asked him about
it–he says nothing is wrong, and he isn’t mad at me and he is sorry. But things
remain the same.This may sound silly, but I feel like I am being cheated on [by]
a computer. I also feel like I can’t compete with technology. I am so hurt and
broken-hearted that I can’t sleep. I’m writing because I am at a loss for what
to do. I have tried everything from aggressive sexual advances to learning code,
just to be part of what he is doing. Nothing works. I am desperate for ideas on
how to make this better.
Helpless Lacerated Heart
You sound pretty attached to your boyfriend, so you’re probably not gonna like
the sound of my advice, but you have to dump this guy. You have no choice: He’s
satisfied with the state of this relationship, you’re not; he’s in love with
his work, not with you. So dump him. You’ve tried long talks, aggressive sexual
advances, and even learning code–what else is there to try? I suppose you could
put a gun to his head and force him to focus on you, but eventually you would
nod off and he’d get rid of the gun and be back at the computer before you wake
up.
There’s a good reason you don’t feel like you can compete with computers: You can’t compete with them–at least as far as this guy’s concerned. The longer you hang in there trying to make it work, the more devastated you’re going to be when it finally ends. Today he isn’t calling you, tomorrow he won’t be bathing. Pretty soon he won’t be trimming his toenails anymore or getting up from his desk to use the toilet. Do yourself a favor and dump the geek.
I am a 24-year-old lesbian, and I am super-in-love with a wonderful woman
who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve been together about a year.
The thing is I’ve never had sex with a man. She has. I want to have sex with
a man some time before I die, because I do find men attractive, but I don’t
want a relationship with one. Also, why not have sex with a man? Men have fascinatingly
different genitalia and body shapes than women do, and I want to check it out!
But here I am with this lady I love. I’ve had a couple of relationships with
women, but I knew I would eventually break up with those not-right-for-me women
and have the opportunity to fuck a man. I should have done it before I met my
current girlfriend, because this lady is IT for me. How can I have this experience
without screwing up our relationship? Should I get this out of the way now?
Or wait? Or should I forget about it? Is this selfish of me? Do you think it
would kill my relationship? My girlfriend suggests we call one of those escort
services and get it over with.
Man-Crazy
So I’m reading your letter, and I’m like, “Wow, she should tell her girlfriend about this.” And I keep reading your letter, and I’m like, “Golly, she should ask her girlfriend about having a three-way.” And I keep reading your letter, and I’m like, “Sure, she can have this experience without screwing up her relationship–provided, of course, that she gets her girlfriend’s blessing.” And I’m almost done reading, and I’m like, “Gosh, I guess I’ll advise her to get her girlfriend’s permission to fuck a guy.”
And I then I get to the last line–“My girlfriend suggests we call one of those escorts services and get it over with”–and I’m like, “She already has her girlfriend’s blessing?! Jesus Christ, what a fucking chickenshit!” If your goddam girlfriend already knows about your desire to check out some fascinating male genitalia and she’s given you her blessing, well, what’s the fucking problem? Do you know how many straight guys would give their left nuts to be wedged between two honest-to-Ellen lesbians? Call a goddam escort already–he’ll probably offer to pay you. Or, better yet, take out a personals ad and you two will be up to your tits in boys begging to fuck you. Christ!
So I read in your column last week that “everyone wants to know if Giddy
Schoolgirl slept with her TA.” Weird. Total strangers are interested in my sex
life. I’m not sure whether to be scared or amused. I guess it’s my fault for
writing to a sex advice columnist in the first place. Well, the answer is yes,
I’m sleeping with my TA, and he’s amazing. Sorry to all the people this seems
to offend. Why are they reading your column anyway
Giddy Schoolgirl
People who don’t think TAs should fuck their students read my column for the
same reason so many other easily offended people read my column: People enjoy
being offended.
Speaking of TAs fucking their students, has everyone seen the new Tom Green flick Road Trip? By way of an awkward segue, one of the characters in Road Trip is a TA who wants to fuck a student. (He comes to a bad end, which should please those who disapprove.) For a gross-out teen sex comedy, this movie is remarkably sex-positive. Unattractive people are shown having sex–fat black girl on top of skinny white guy–and while the shock of seeing the two of them rolling around plays as something of a sight gag, they’re not held up to ridicule by other characters in the film. Indeed, no one questions their right to be sexual, or their attraction to each other. It’s reallyheartwarming.
As if that weren’t revolutionary enough, Road Trip also features a girl who initiates kinky sex (videotaping what could be a one-night stand), and not only is she not punished or humiliated or dead (or all three) as is customary in teen sex comedies, but she winds up getting the guy in the end. And to top it all off, a studly straight boy gets finger-fucked and no fag jokes are cracked, and he’s not made out to be any less studly or straight for enjoying it. In Road Trip, people aren’t worried about what normal, good girls do, and ugly people get laid–it’s like sex in real life. It’s mind-blowing.
