For crying out loud! What the fuck is wrong with people?! What the fuck
is going on when someone wants noxious gas sprayed in their face for sexual
pleasure? For the love of god, what the fuck is going on when a man wants to
consume feces? I know you get the weird stuff all the time, but fuck! What’s
wrong with good ol’ fuck-me-suck-me stuff? How are normal people supposed to
enjoy our sex lives knowing there are all these shit-eaters out there?
–All Grossed-Out Greg
I run letters from normal people about normal problems, and readers send e-mail
bitching about the boring normal letters. So I run letters from freaks and perverts
about eating shit and smelling farts, and people send e-mail bitching about
the abnormal letters. Christ. And I’m sorry, AGOG, but you might wanna skip
this week’s column. Like follows like, as they say, and now that I’ve gone and
raised the whole shit-eatin’, fart-sniffin’ subject (at the request of another
angry reader), I’ve got e-sacks of shit-eatin’, fart-sniffin’ e-mail to get
through before I can get back to the normal stuff.
And finally, AGOG, I hope my “normal” readers are able to enjoy their sex
lives despite the knowledge that there are shit-eaters and fart-sniffers out
there and always will be. It’s a free country, and tempting as it may be, we
can’t exactly round up the shit-eaters and gas them. As disgusting as they are,
it’s currently illegal to murder shit-eaters. Heck, they’re not even legally
obligated to floss.
I am a weekly reader of your column. I need to ask a favor. Can you put me
in contact with Not a Sick Bastard, the man who wrote you about his fetish for
eating feces? We have something in common. I thank you in advance for your consideration
of this request.
—Hook Me Up
I am not going to put you in contact with NASB. While pretty much anything
goes here at Savage Love, I draw the line at hooking up shit-eaters. So the
answer is no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO!
And please stop reading my column.
Gay people are disgusting and you are bigoted against straight people. A married
straight man only wants his wife to fart in his face, and you come down on him
hard. But some fag who wants to EAT shit? You’re as nice as can be. Do you eat
shit, faggot? Only fags would do something so disgusting.
–Straight Rules
I told the shit-eating homo that he was a “sick bastard,” “a shit-eating freak,”
and “a disgusting, shit-eating pervert.” That’s not coming down on him hard?
And as for only fags being into shit read on, dickbrain.
I hope you can help me. What I want is for a woman to shit on me. Is that
really so much to ask? I’ve had this nasty fantasy for years! So, if you could
publish this letter maybe others could at least get a laugh out of it or maybe
you could help me meet a nice lady who wants to take a dump on me?
–Shitless in Chicago
No. No. No. No. No. No. NO! And please stop reading my column.
I am a 21-year-old student who, after reading last week’s column, has a proposition
for the loser who wants to be farted on. For $50, my two friends and I will
give him three juicy farts wherever he would like us to. We think it’s so freaking
funny that this asshole actually has this fetish that we have to tell him there
are probably hundreds of women who would laugh in his face at the thought of
him enjoying this, and that, for a small fee, we would indulge his moronic desire.
You get some really big weirdoes writing you, but this one really cuts the cheese.
–Gassy Momma
P.S. Feel free to publish my e-mail address: angelalikestoparty@hotmail.com.
Before anyone can accuse me of having a double standard–I won’t hook up the
shit freaks, but I’ll hook up mercenary young women with fart-sniffers–I’ll
go ahead and accuse myself: “Savage, you’ve got a double standard!” In my defense,
I only said I draw the line at poo-eaters. Gassy Momma, sorry to say, falls
just inside the line. Maybe one day downtrodden poo-eaters will get a fair shake
in Savage Love, but it’s not going to be today.
Please help me! Last week, while playing soccer with some friends, I had
the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Something very funny happened,
and when I started laughing I lost control of my bladder. We’re talking pee-stains-down-the-pant-leg
wet. This hasn’t happened to me since kindergarten, so I have been trying to
figure out the cause of this incident. The entire week before the pee incident,
I used my vibrator about twice a day. Could it be that my vibrator is somehow
weakening muscles that keep my bladder under control? If not, how can I make
sure this never happens again?
—What’s Going On?
“If you’re using your vibrator and having orgasms, then you’re exercising
the muscles down there,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her, a sex-toy
store in Toronto. “If anything, using a vibrator makes your bladder-control
muscles stronger, because you’re experiencing contractions through orgasm.”
Jansen, of course, makes her living selling vibrators. If there were, say,
some connection between using a vibrator and wetting your pants, would Jansen
tell us about it?
“I have a vested interest in providing every woman on the planet with a vibrator,”
Jansen admits. “But I’m telling you the truth. I swear. The muscles down there
are like any other muscles. You’ve got to use them or lose them.”
I am a 20-year-old single white male who is straight, a Christian, and pretty
clean-cut. Normally, people expect me to run in fear from things like your column,
but I think it’s great! You’re not afraid to tell people what you think, and
you’re not afraid to mock them when they deserve it. Brilliant advice which,
even though I may not always agree with it, has good reasoning and usually sensitivity
behind it, with a dose of cynical sarcasm. Your column has helped me get acquainted
with just the sorts of things that real people struggle with, enjoy, and avoid.
Christians like to hide from that stuff; I think that we should learn about
it. So thanks for your column. It kicks ass.
–Straight-Laced Guy
Savage Love: Acquainting Christians with poo-eaters since 1991.
Next week: What should we call it when a woman fucks a man in the ass with
a strap-on dildo?
