Savage Love

Please disregard my previous email. As of the New
Year, my girlfriend is no longer a virgin.

No Longer Dating Virgin Girl

Uh, gee. Sorry about that, NLDVG.

I’m not sorry that your girlfriend is no longer a virgin, of course,
as virginity is a scourge that I’ve dedicated my life to stamping out.
I’m sorry that I was unable to assist you. I could fob you off, I
suppose, with that dodge favored by professional advice columnists
everywhere: “The volume of the mail I receive prevents me from
answering every letter I receive blah blah blah.” While it’s true that
I receive more letters than I could ever possibly respond to (if your
question doesn’t appear in the column within three weeks, people,
you’re on your own), that wasn’t the case with your letter.

Fact is, NLDVG, I didn’t answer your question because I was stumped.
I didn’t know what the hell to tell you about the particular issues you
raised in your original letter.

When you write an advice column, gentle readers, it looks like you
have all the answers because you only run questions for which you have
answers. This is as it should and must be; we advice professionals need
people to think we have all the answers so that they’ll keep sending us
their questions. But this scam has a cruel and unintended consequence:
When we don’t respond to a question, the reader who sent it thinks,
“He/she doesn’t care,” or “He/she is too busy,” or “He/she thought my
question wasn’t interesting.” When the reality may be that he/she has
no fucking clue. And here, to mark the New Year, are a few other
letters that I haven’t answered for want of a clue.

I’m a guy into she-male porn, and I’ve noticed that
almost all the models in said porn have very tight scrotums. Like
they’re cold. So I’m wondering, what’s the deal? Is it just the
hormones? Or do they employ some kind of preshoot scrotal-tightening
technique? A bit of both, perhaps?

Never Understood Tranny Scrotums

There’s this new pastor at the church I visit.
She’s gorgeous, an athlete, and can read ancient Greek. I’ve managed to
get her to lunch twice, despite her schedule, and I spelled out my
interest explicitly. She seemed receptive, posited that dating someone
in her new congregation could possibly cause issues, but may go hiking
with me this weekend. So what’s the protocol for dating a smokin’-hot
priestess?

Not Very Good Xian

I am a gay man who has been in a relationship with
my partner for nine years. My lover has always planned on undergoing a
sex change, from male to female. There were money and health problems,
but he’s ready now. I’ve always told him that I love him, no matter
what. Now he’s gotten his breast implants and I have to admit I am
completely weirded out by them. I feel like a hypocrite, but I don’t
know what to do! I’ve never been with a woman, and I don’t want to be
with one now. I also love my partner intensely. Any advice? I feel like
a jerk! Support him for nine years and then peace out because of
boobs?

Hating Myself And His Breasts

I’m 23, straight, and female. I have a fairly
ravenous sexual appetite, and particularly enjoy administering oral sex
to my lucky lovers. Unfortunately, I’ve happened upon (what seems to
be) a unique dilemma. An hour or so after swallowing particular loads,
I get intense stomachaches, quickly transitioning into intense
diarrhea. This only occurs with maybe one in five men, and seems to be
particular to the individual.

This has never really been too much of a problem for me in the
past—I just didn’t call guys back when it occurred—but I
have started dating a one-in-fiver who is witty, great in the sack, and
gorgeous, and I want to keep seeing him. So I have a few questions for
you: (1) Does this happen to anyone else? (2) Is it me or is there
something wrong with some guys’ semen? (3) Is there any remedy, besides
spitting?

Blowing Judiciously

My wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and
take part in some pretty heavy activities. One we haven’t tried but are
anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit,
and anal tissues. Our question: What would we use to cool the burn
should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or clit prove to be
too much for her to endure?

Master & Servant

I’m a gay man living in San Francisco. There are a
couple of guys I’m into. Like an actual couple. I’ve messed around with
each of them separately, and in both cases I was told to keep it
hush-hush because the other didn’t know that he was being messed
around on. My problem is not about their dishonesty or any of that
bullshit. It’s none of my business. What I really want to know is this:
How can I get them both in the sack at the same time?

Trying To Double Down

I’m a 19-year-old lesbian with the dyke equivalent
of the “does size matter” problem: I have a really short tongue. Is
there anything I can do? Or does “size” really not matter?

Tongue Tied Teen

Four years ago, my girlfriend and I made a sex
tape. After we broke up, I continued to watch the video, finding myself
more turned on by the action now that she was out of my life. I started
taking pictures with my digital camera off the television, and before
long I was putting these images of her on the internet for others to
comment on. The tape is graphic, with clear shots of her face as she
goes down on me, masturbates, and rides me. I feel terrible—she’s
a sweet girl and it wasn’t a bad breakup—but exposing her has
become an uncontrollable turn-on for me. I can’t bring myself to throw
out the tape, which I feel is the only way I can control this urge. I
sound like an awful person, but I can’t seem to help myself. Your
thoughts?

Slave To Own Penis

Ah, sometimes the answer is so obvious—take STOP’s question
here. There is only one possible response: “Throw the tape out, you
fucking piece of lowlife shit.” The damage is already done—those
clips and images will live online forever, and one day STOP’s ex or her
fiancé or her kids or her grandchildren will find them. And
then, if there’s any justice, they’ll find STOP and cut his balls
off.

But what of the other letters in this column? I’m stumped. Tabasco
sauce on the clit? Not into the boyfriend’s new rack? Is there hope for
short-tongued dykes? What’s up with she-male sacks? I don’t have
answers for these folks. If you do, gentle readers, send ’em in and
we’ll run the mother of all Savage Love web extras sometime in the next
couple of weeks.

Dan Savage speaks at the Bus Project’s Rebooting Democracy
conference at Portland’s Montgomery Park this Saturday at 8:30 pm. For
more information and tickets, head to rebootingdemocracy.com

mail@savagelove.net