I’m a 20-year-old bi girl and I’ve been with my
boyfriend a little over a year. We’ve talked about having an FFM
threesome, but the first time we talked about it, we realized that we
were not on the same page, and now every time I try to bring up the
possibilities of a threesome, we end up in an argument. I’d like to
talk about some rules, just in case it happens as he imagines
it—we pick up a girl at a bar—but he won’t talk to me,
because he claims that it would make a threesome not as spontaneous.
Also, there’s an unspoken worry that my desire to have a threesome is
just a way for me to explore having sex with a woman while he watches.
I admit that this is what I was most interested in, in the beginning,
but I’ve since gotten pretty turned on by the idea of him fucking
another girl if I tell him to. Any advice on what I should do?
No Rules For The Game
Before we get to an answer—an answer, NRFTG, not
my answer—a brief note. I feel deeply honored every
morning when I open my laptop and see the huge number of e-mails that
poured in overnight. You, my readers, share the most intimate details
of your lives with me, you open your hearts and pour out your hopes and
your fears, and you often attach pictures. (Pics of your hot boyfriend?
Good. Pics of your mysterious genital rash? Bad.) I am always deeply
humbled by your trust. A sacred bond ties an advice columnist to his
readers and I would never do anything to violate or weaken that
bond.
But once a year I do allow a complete stranger to rummage through
your e-mails, pluck out a few letters, and give this advice business a
whirl. Meet Eric Rescorla. He paid somewhere in the vicinity of the
high-mid-to-low four figures for the privilege of taking my advice
column out for a spin. The money went to charity (www.farestart.org), and I didn’t let
Eric keep copies of your e-mail addresses or any of the photos you
enclosed. (That’s a hell of a rash you’ve got there, Doris In Dallas;
go see a doctor, would you?) Eric is a computer security specialist who
lives in the SF Bay Area and so, like me, is completely unqualified to
advise anyone about anything. And here’s his advice for you, NRFTG.
“Let me see if I have this right: You’re offering your boyfriend
what’s probably the number-one straight-male fantasy and he’s bitching
because it’s not spontaneous?” asks Eric, rhetorically. “Basically,
there are two possibilities here: (1) Your boyfriend is too dumb to
live. (2) He’s sincerely worried that you just want to use this
threesome as an excuse to fuck other women, and based on your letter,
it sounds like you’ve given him some reason to.
“That said, seeing as much of the purpose of the exercise is for
him to fuck other women, it’s hard to see that he has any
grounds for complaint on that score. So, either way, he’s pretty much a
moron and should grow up, quit whining, and enjoy the threesome.”
I’m a 23-year-old gay male. And while I am social,
I don’t really hit the clubs or find myself surrounded by other gay
guys, so I don’t have many dates and I haven’t been in many
relationships. Aside from the internet and clubs, where would you
suggest I go to meet some guys? Should I just suck it up and throw
myself into the scene?
Eager To Meet
“I’m straight so I don’t know too much about meeting gay guys in
particular,” says Eric. “But in my experience, meeting partners in
general is pretty much a matter of sucking it up and going for it. Or
you could do what I did and buy the right to meet a middle-aged gay sex
columnist in next year’s auction.”
Hmph. I have to take exception to Eric’s advice for ETM. I don’t
consider 34 to be “middle-aged,” for starters, and for enders I’m a
married sex-advice columnist who happens to be gay, not a
gay sex-advice columnist that ETM here could have for the price of a
Savage Love guest slot. But I’d be happy to introduce you to some of my
young, single, gay friends if you make the winning bid next year,
ETM.
I am writing because I recently found out that my
dad has a problem with online porn. My dad is clueless with technology,
and he leaves tracks all over the computer, never deletes his history,
opens every popup ad, etc., and it is really fucking up our at-home
system and embarrasses us whenever someone else uses the
computer.
He’s not just an occasional user, either. This is multiple times
a day, every day. I tried to brush it off until my sister walked in on
him looking at—not jerking off to, thankfully—an X-rated
video. On Christmas Day, right before dinner. In the computer room,
which is in the main hallway of the house, with the door open.
So, what do you think? Do we ignore this? Get a filtering
program? Send him an anonymous message?
Concerned Older Sister
“Finally a question I’m qualified to answer,” says Eric.
“If your dad wants to cover his tracks on the computer, there are a
bunch of solutions. The best is always to get a totally isolated
computer, but that’s a fairly large investment. You can certainly make
your father a new account on this computer, but that won’t stop viruses
and you still have to worry about him leaving files around.
“I’m assuming you’re running Windows and what I recommend here is
virtualization software. This is software that lets you run a ‘virtual’
computer on top of your real computer. The virtual computer has its own
copy of Windows, its own browser, and its own virtual disk. Your dad
can do his porn surfing on the virtual machine and can even set it to
reset itself whenever the virtual computer is restarted, so there’s no
need to worry about leaving tracks. It takes a little technical
sophistication to get this working, since you need to install Windows
on the virtual machine, but once it’s running, any idiot can use it.
There are a number of vendors of virtualization software, but I
recommend VMware because you can download a free version of VMware
Server for home use. Also, if you’re running the business versions of
XP or Vista you can download Microsoft’s Virtual PC for free.
“But based on your letter, COS, I wonder whether he’s just
technically clueless. It doesn’t take a computer expert to realize that
watching porn in the main hallway with the door partly open carries a
real risk of discovery—which may actually be what he wants.
However, given that this is embarrassing you and your family, I don’t
see any alternative but to confront him and tell him he needs to do a
better job of hiding his habit and that you’re willing to help him with
that. I’m sure that will be excruciating, but probably a lot less bad
than walking in on Dad jerking off to internet porn.”
That concludes this very special, guest-authored, all-for-charity
installment of Savage Love. You can read more advice from Eric for
Savage Love readers at www.thestranger.com/savage/eric,
and Eric blogs/rants daily at www.educatedguesswork.org.
A new Savage Love podcast is available for listening every
Wednesday at portlandmercury.com/podcasts.
