SOMETIMES in a lezzie’s life there is a need to hang out with people who are sluttier, more alcoholic, and have worse body issues. For this, you will need a gay man, a bottle of vodka to lure him in, and a user manual, because one wrong move and gay guys will melt down on your ass like the Fukushima nuclear plant. These three simple rules can be applied to any interaction with a gay man.*

1. They are overly sensitive and cover it with biting sarcasm. Anytime a gay guy eviscerates you with his biting wit it’s because on the inside he’s crying like a little boy. Buy him a vodka soda and tell him he looks thin.

2. He will say he wants a meaningful long-term relationship. He means with his Grindr app, because none of his relationships last past brunch. Agree that other men are fucknuts who have no idea what they are missing, and buy him a Bloody Mary.

3. He will leave you at the bar without a ride in a heartbeat if he meets a for-sure five, if he meets a seven expect to be left with no notice. If he meets a three and it’s 1:30 am, you will end up listening to them fuck in your apartment while you try to make the guy hotter in your own mind. The next day, refer to rule two.

Catch stand-up comedian Belinda Carroll at EB Smokey’s Barbeque & Grill, 8503 SW Warm Springs, Tualatin, Thurs March 7, 8 pm, free.

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*With the exception of a married gay man: treat him like a lezzie.

4 replies on “A Lezzie’s Guide to Gay Men”

  1. I’m sorry you’ve obviously had so many negative experiences with the gay men in your life, but this article seems unnecessarily cruel, and, well, just plain unnecessary. It’s a cheap knock-off of Amy Sedaris’s wonderfully-written take on gay men from the Unexpected Guest section of her book “I Like You,” but this version has unfortunately substituted the original’s pizazz with a heaping spoonful of spitefulness. Good comedy works when it plays up old stereotypes, not when it plays into them.

  2. AG and DH- I love gay men, and I am not old, also not out of touch. I have done more for the community than most and I was hired to write a tongue and cheek guide to gay men. Much like my cohort Xander Deveaux did about lesbians. If you didn’t like the job that I did with this, you can go get hired by the press to write your own. Have fun!

    Also, haven’t read Amy Sedaris’s book, but I will make it a point to.

  3. its cool people, she’s not a bigot.. she just gets paid to be one online- her job. Way to negate all the work you’ve done for the “community.” I’m sure if I knew where your contributions were coming from I would have declined your handouts. I’m not into the attitudes “look what I’ve done for you” nor the “I get paid- it doesn’t mean anything” “Sorry about the bruises- gays, I just get mad sometimes… LOVE YOU.”

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