While reporting this week on the abstinence-only sex ed in Oregon’s schools, I slipped into a YouTube spiral watching a handful of the hundreds of music videos about the virtues of abstinence. YouTube is bursting with ballads made on home video cameras and titled things like “True Love Waits” and “Addicted to Abstinence.”
But the absolute best abstinence music video EVER MADE is definitely “No Safe Way” (which you can get, by the way, as a ringtone!)
It’s a little tough to discern the lyrics, which King of the Soul Patch Christian rocker Michael Sweet penned in 1994 (along with hits “J.E.S.U.S.” and “Someday”), so here they are:
Ain’t no safe way anymore
You got people with one, two, three and four
Abstinence rules, playin’ is for fools
The one who abstains is the one who’s cool
More abstinence rock below the cut.
Did you know there’s an abstinence dance team in DC? They’re called WAIT and they can throw some passionate choreographed punches.
This in-church abstinence rap is actually pretty great:
Stryper!
I wish I could get women to look evil like that with me. They’re usually making a totally different face.
Wait. People is one, two, three and four? What parts of the body is he talking about?
I’ve always felt that Stryper’s “Soldiers Under Command” album was relatively solid.
Fuck yeaaaaayaaaaahhhh! I wonder if they have a karaoke version.
Q: If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what kind of bird brings no babies? A: A swallow.
I like ujfoyt a million times more now that i know he’s a septuagenarian.
Thanks a heap, OB.
Crap. OB should have been ON. My most profound apologies.