- Image by Erika Moen
It’s 2 am and my phone lights up with a message. It’s a simple message, but the implications are obvious. The subtext of this text: “Hey, would now be a good time for me to come over and have sex?”
The actual text: “Hey”
This is a person I have a certain type of relationship with; I know what he means. You don’t make small talk with Santa Claus, do you? You say “Here’s what I want.” So is it with the subtle, beautiful booty text relationship. My problem with this brief message is not its brevity or casualness… it’s the lack of imagination.
I surveyed a small group of hetero lady friends (as the hetero males seem to be the number one unimaginative Booty Text perpetrators) about their worst Booty Text. Here are the worst and/or most frequent texts in pursuit of booty.
“How about a little hump day fun?” -sent on a Wednesday (ugh)
“When can I cum eat ur pussy”
“Hey, Missed me?;)”
“Happy Hour?” -sent at 2am
“excuse me, is your bed taken?”
“You up?”
“You free?”
“You around?”
“Hey.”
“Hey Hey”
“Hi there”
Don’t make me say “no” just to invalidate your dumb-ass ideas of what sexy is. It’s not fair! A good booty text is pretty simple: Be vulnerable! Be bold! Be playful and funny! To inspire your brief lusty shouts into the void, I’ve enlisted some local writers, comedians, and pro-tweeters:
“WebMD says my junk might be broken forever. Can I get a second opinion?”-@Alex_Falcone
“Come over and be the little spoon while we watch that Disney version of Robin Hood with those hot foxes.”-@RorynotRoy
“We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow. And I promise not to cry afterwards this time.”-Tommy Gaffney
“I think my dick needs some ‘you’ time.”-@WalkerNicolas
“I want to do that thing you said we could do when my ankle healed. Also, I bought the ‘item.’“-@Jason_Rouse
“I’m not tryna fuck, but if that’s what has to happen for us to spoon together all night, then you could probably convince me.” -@Curtis_Cook
And if that wasn’t enough to get your lover’s engine, going try this… “I’ll buy breakfast”-@bripruett
Wishing you great love and good sex,
Bri
Who the fuck is getting up and leaving the house at 2am? Hell, even being awake at that time seems like a cruel joke. The best booty calls are are at like 5pm. Then you’ve still got time to make dinner and watch the latest Dancing With The Stars.
Graham, as romantic as that sounds, that’s not a “let me hit it” situation. What you have described, is a relationship forming. Booty calls are hit it and quit it.
The best booty call text I’ve ever received is a blank text. No words. It was like our own made up bat signal. If he sent out the bat signal (blank text) and i replied with a bat signal (blank text) then we knew he was on his way.
Best one I ever received was “SEX IS DUMB BUT I WANT IT.”
hey
So Bri, in other words, you’re saying you told him to come on over?
Some of those one-liners are great — but it seems to me you should tailor the message to the reciever.
I have done this many times. Usually with a simple “hey” or “still out?” More than once, I have been passed out when they got here, and not heard them knock. I go through a lot of socks these days.