A culture of shame around sex creates a whole lot of speculation. You know how these things spread: locker rooms, from older brothers, hacky situation comedies. The way two consenting adults bang should be free of presumptions, and yet we are dragging this dick mythology into every sack we jump into. It’s time to be free of our baggage and clear up some of these dick myths once and for all.
1. The bigger the better
Not all folks like big dicks. Not all folks can even agree on what a big dick is! Ask your friends and family what they thought of Lenny Kravitz’ penis, and I promise you will NOT get a straight answer across the board. Sure, the porn industry and the mass media masculinity machine have skewed public opinion. But I’m here to tell you, a large penis comes with it’s own share of shortcomings: You big boys gotta take things slow, always gotta wear underwear to strap down your hog, and backdoor action is but an elusive, beautiful dream. Here’s a news flash to all the fools who still believe bigger is better: VAGINAS COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES, TOO (and butts come in different stages of elasticity. And hearts come in different volumes of courage). You and your partner will figure out how to jam your parts together no matter what sizes you are—that’s part of the fun. I’ve had a good time with all sizes, from Shaq to Muggsy Bogues. Trust me! It REALLY IS about the motion in the ocean, so bring your motion!
And hey, sometimes genital sizes don’t match up. And that’s when you face the music, and you make out in the shower, you have great conversation, and you probably go down on each other, then you go out for Thai food. And the world doesn’t stop turning just because you couldn’t fuck in a way that you thought was the “normal” way.
2. Sex needs to last a long time
You’ve heard the old set-up about how to prolong sex: When you are looking down the barrel of your little death, just use your imagination and focus your mind on ANY innocuous thing, anything to keep you from blowing. Example: baseball, your grandmother, Climate Change, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Ben Carson, the death of the middle class, and how you still haven’t paid your Arts Tax. All those distractions! I won’t have any of it! That mental confusion in an attempt to prolong sex only serves your ego. Your partner doesn’t want some all-night fuckathon after you’ve already left the emotional party.
MORE TIPS ON HOW TO DO SEX AFTER THE JUMP!
Instead of trying to prolong, why don’t you focus on giving this show a narrative? For example: If you’ve been thrusting for a few minutes and you’re close to losing your juice, put the brakes on, pull out and do something different. New position, new roleplay, new friction, new toy, and if you can’t think of any variables to change up, you need more help than I can offer, my frisky friend. If you turn the wheel at the last minute while you’re with your partner, they’ll understand what’s going on; if this is a new friend, you’ll just seem like a sexual adventurer! Whoa! Check out Christopher ColumBUSTING LOADS LEFT AND RIGHT! Look out, Robinson CaruSO GOOD AT SEX!
3. Dick Pics
This is a phrase that entered our lexicon and, like a ferocious dog, won’t let go. Dick pics have been the downfall of celebrities, politicos, and Brett Farve (whatever he is). My problem is not with the general urge to share the gift that the good lord gave you, it’s that, more often than not, these pictures are grainy, poorly lit, and really weird. If you’re going to take one, here’s an idea: PICK UP YOUR ROOM. If I’m going to be at all intrigued by your dong, clean up! The dirty towels on your floor will steal your dude’s thunder every time. If it’s in the shot, make your bed; use some thought about backdrop and for sure do NOT take a picture near a TOILET. Nobody wants to get the sex stuff mixed up with the bathroom stuff… well, some folks do and I don’t judge those folks, but you know who you are and you know that’s not a thing to SPRING on a lady. So keep it out of the bathroom, and stay away from adding props for “scale.” You know that I know that Red Bull cans come in two sizes now… so don’t try any illusions, David Blaine.
Taking pictures of your junk is hard. Arm length, lighting, your kids toys on the floor of your bedroom—these are all things that are going to put a wet blanket on your dick pick parade. The truth of the matter is that we probably don’t really want pictures of your dick. It’s not that your dick is ugly, or that it’s less arousing than vaginas, it’s just that we’re gay dudes, women and other folks who have to deal with dick-owners—and we know not to ask for things that are spectacular opportunities for misstep. That’s why we don’t really want dick pics. OK, maybe someone does, but not unsolicited ones, and not when we aren’t expecting them. Like at brunch.
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Now that gene editing is available, like which have altered skinny dogs to become super muscular, I’m thinking of beefing up my dick. The question is, how big should it be, and how much disproportionally bigger ought the nuts be? Would this facilitate more prolific performance, and would there be any side effects, such as hair on the palms of my hands?
http://www.technologyreview.com/news/542616/first-gene-edited-dogs-reported-in-china/
Okay, I’ve checked with China and they say they have no qualms about providing the procedure. I’m going to grow nuts the size of a bean bag chair, so I can sit on them and hug my giant dick, until I can find a hot 14 year old chick from Kentucky who wants to be fifty feet tall, hairy palms be damned.
Brief sex is OK, got it. So all you ladies plagued with guys wanting all-night fuckathons, tell them quickies are just fine, I mean, the phones are waiting, right?
Please make the follow up column Dick Mythology, and give some column time to Odin, the All Father as well as the Greek myth of Kyklopes.