Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Fuck in the Summer

• Illustration: Erika Moen

Ah sweet summer! A great time to hike, go to the river, and grow your backyard tomatoes and/or legal weed. Summer can also be a marvelous time to date; everyone’s got ants in their pants. Odd’s are, you go to enough BBQs, you are going to meet someone HOT. Here’s how it usually goes down, you’ll go on a long sweaty bike ride back to their place, sit on the porch drinking sweet tea, and eventually, you’ll take things back to their room… and their bedroom makes you feel like a GODDAMN ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. What to do?! Fuck on the porch? NO! Alright gentle friend, here’s a list of ways to beat the heat WHILE YOU BEAT THE MEAT! God, I love my job.

AFTER THE JUMP…

1. SHOWER – Showering makes for incredible sex. Dang, shower with someone in the winter! The trickiest part of shower sex might be how, ahem, revealing it all is. The harsh overhead lights, the nudity, the navigating the slick tub, that weird thing you have to do to turn your shower on. The “pros” are of course: foggy mirrors, sound-masking bathroom fans, and WETNESS. Plus you’re getting clean! Both starting the party and cleaning the house before the guests arrive. Your mother would be so proud! Here’s a tip: keep some gentle shower gel around, Dr. Bronner’s is great, but I hear the peppermint flavor stings the balls (just a head’s up). Also if you’re pretty sure you’re having sex and want to start in the shower, before your date unscrew some lightbulbs and light a candle. Your bathroom will have a more boudoir vibe. (Or it’ll make your roomate pee all over the floor.) After you and your boo thing are all wet, take things back to the bedroom to get down, then after you’re all sweaty, GET BACK IN THE SHOWER. I just gave you about 12 hours of fun, you’re welcome.

2. TURN ON ALL THE FANS – Maybe you and your fuck nugget can’t shower because of roommates… or children? Or parents? I don’t know what your life is like. Another way to stay cool is to turn on ALL THE FANS! One fan facing out the window pulling heat from the room, another fan directly on the action and a THIRD FAN circulating air around the room really will help. It also turns up the drama on the whole affair, particularly if one of you has long hair. Long swirling hair and a windy embrace? You might as well be fucking on top of a mountain! Put on the gentle sounds of a Pan Flute (or some other incredible sex jam) and you will be a 10,000 miles from your humdrum hook up.

3. SUBMIT – You don’t have a fan, you can’t take a shower—but at least you still have your imagination. Sometimes a sweaty romp can be fun if you and your partner allow yourselves to be a little less civilized. I find that really, really warm weather sex can be a bit sleepy; ain’t nothing wrong with that. Smoke some weed, have a cool beer on hand and lean in to the sultry-ness of it all. The sight of your perspired lover might awaken some Casablanca fantasies… Or probably more likely, inspire your next Dothraki warrior erotic fan fiction.

4. GET A/C – I don’t write this column for the 1%. This is a sex column for the fucking proletariat, who would sooner make that styrofoam cooler, dry ice, DIY air conditioner than a cold, corporate machine. That being said, just get a window air conditioner, they aren’t really that expensive and it really will improve your sex life. Imagine trying to pick someone up at your favorite bar patio, “Hey this has been really fun and you’re really beautiful, but all I want to do is go back to my place and sip a mojito in my AIR CONDITIONED apartment. Would you like to join me?” The sound of panties dropping will be deafening.

Have fun out there. Use protection AND SUNSCREEN!

Wishing you great love and reasonably warm sex,
@BriPruett