Anyone can duckface and bathroom selfie their way to a decent Tinder Profile, but not everyone can get their foot in the door after swiping right. Here are some tips on how to open strong online:
DON’T SAY “HEY”: Don’t say it. In fact if there’s a way for you to change “hey” in your phone to “greetings, you magical beauty,” do that. There is no better way for you to admit your lack of imagination and bravery than to say “hey.” “Hey” is the default character for the Nintendo Wii, it says nothing about your past, your character, or your hopes and dreams. Don’t say “hey.”
USE SOME EMPATHY: Ask yourself one question before you speak: What does this person hear all the time? For me (and many comics) it’s: Are you a stand-up comedian? I’ve been thinking about trying stand-up! *YAWN* For most people it’s: You have beautiful eyes! For most women it’s: Can we fuck?
And look, ya’ll know I’m no prude, but there are way more imaginative ways of proposing coitus. Here’s one off-the-cuff that you can have for FREE: “I’m sure you get this all the time, but I find your looks enchanting and your personality beguiling and I don’t normally move this fast, but I’ve learned in my 31 years not to hesitate when the universe puts opportunities of this magnitude in front of me. I am seeking a friend for a night (or three, or seven) of sensual pleasures, tangled bodies, long kisses, and my 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Please do me the honor of responding and maybe this will be the beginning of something so epic, the poets shall weep as they write of our tryst. P.S. Are you cool with poets watching?“
MORE TIPS FOR YOUR OPENING LINE AFTER THE JUMP!
^^ Come on, straight forward AND funny? I’m such a catch. Also, don’t hit up people to “F” who aren’t DTF. There are plenty of people who are interested in straight up “F,” leave the folks who are in pursuit of love, to pursue it without your gross advances. I know sexual advances aren’t gross, but they are when they are unwelcome! If you aren’t sure if someone is “DTF” ask them with charm and kindness. Use your words.
NEGGING DOESN’T WORK: If you are familiar with the dating playbook “the game,” you are familiar with this technique. If you are not familiar with this technique, call your mom and tell her she did a great job. Negging doesn’t work on strong people with good character and high self-esteem—y’know, the kind of people you should be trying to fall in love with. Don’t tell people they aren’t great; if they aren’t great, don’t talk to them.
LEAD WITH A COMPLIMENT, THEN ASK A QUESTION: Example: “You seem so well-read, do you ever read graphic novels?” Dig a little bit deeper into their profile. NOT TOO DEEP. More personal, unflattering details, will come out on the first few dates. “How are you enjoying living in Portland?” “Have you tried seeing shows at _____, it’s my favorite venue.” Find a detail that intrigues you, and remember, TRY to be original.
ASK THEM OUT: Still on board after a few messages? Good. It’s time to do what you came here to do. Invite them on a simple date, a drink or a coffee, suggest a date and time and place.
You can do this! Now go on some dates and have babies and name them after me!
Wishing you good sex and great love,
@bripruett
Don’t ask ‘which one’s you?’ if there are two gals in the same profile picture. Just assume she’s the unattractive one. At the same time, just because she’s unattractive, doesn’t necessarily mean she’s hard up enough to put out, either. If the photo is under exposed, figure it’s to lighten out wrinkles. If the profile picture is a graphic instead of a snap shot, figure that the cleavage is an artistic embellishment.