Let’s Do It with Bri Pruett: The Sailors are Here! Where Do I Get Condoms?

• Illustration: Erika Moen

It’s gonna be a hot, sweaty FLEET WEEKEND! Do you have some plans to get it in? You betta have some contraceptive handy, dear friend. Where should you get your condoms? Big sister Bri is here for you.

1. Planned Parenthood. You should be getting regular STD screenings anyway. Call PP and see if they’re running any discounts, sometimes they do five tests for 100 bucks. Scoring condoms at PP is easy: just go to your local PP, step over the obligatory picket line (y’know if they put their signs down you can just take them—thanks for the tip Curtis Cook), then check in with one of the cool girls behind the desk. They’re probably going to have funky eyewear and a breezy hipness that might intimidate you a bit; but chin up, she’s a pro with a passion for reproductive health and you are on a mission. Say, “I’m here to buy some condoms please.” She’ll either take your order herself or she’ll usher you around the corner to the shwag window. Condoms at PP usually run 10 cents a pop—talk about a cheap date! They carry many Planned Parenthood brand styles: Basic, Studded, XL, and Colors. Also dental dams and lambskin, for your lover with a sensitive shlong. They even have little single serving tubes of lubricant! Which is a really cool next level date move! A tiny bottle of lube and a condom sends the message, “I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re into, but I like you, so let’s figure it out.” The condoms at PP are sold a’ la carte, so just lay down a number—she’ll put your goodies in an unassuming brown sack and ring you up. PP is a wonderful place, nice people work there, and they play cool music in the waiting room. And you’ll feel a certain kinship when you say, “Hi I’d like 30 condoms please… All XL.” And she gives you a look like, “get it, mama.” And you give her a look like, “I know, right?”

MORE CONDOM PURVEYORS AFTER THE JUMP!

2. Amazon! Maybe you’re a real big nerd and you’re kinda embarrassed that you have sex. You should probably grow up, but I understand and I’m just glad you’re using protection. So get on your beloved internet (that you probably use to find sexual partners) and find you some condoms. Amazon is great. When you are on retailing via internet, you don’t want any surprises. Stick with brands you trust. Nothing says: “I’m not that into you” than off-brand condoms. Don’t think they won’t notice. DON’T FORGET: If you share your parents/bosses/ex/ex’s parents/ex’s parents bosses’ Amazon Prime account, watch out! Otherwise they might get edible underwear in their recommendations for the rest of their lives and will always blame you. If you get your package at work (heehee), make sure you have an excuse for your co-workers; as in, nothing that they would demand you take out and show them, like shoes. Example: “AHHHH GOOD MY VITAMINS!*” (“Geez, why is Jerry so stoked on vitamins… nerd.”)

*Big sis pro-tip: lies should always be boring and embarrassing. “Vitamins for my Colitis or books about kombucha brewing.” No one will ever ask a follow up question.

3. Walgreens/Other drug store. You needed some lightbulbs and french bread pizza anyway, so might as well head to the UGH… FAMILY PLANNING SECTION and stock up. Most of your national drugstore chains mark up their condoms in a big way. If I were you, I’d do a pass by the latex section every time I stop by for my batteries and eyeliner—wait for a sale, then pounce. Also I want to strongly recommend the Lloyd Center Pharmacy, a quaint, centrally-located, compounding pharmacy. They keep their drug manufacturing in house, so give them your money and strike a blow to big pharma… while you get blown!

Wishing you safe sex and hot sailors,
@BriPruett