I’ve always been a big believer in the common-sense obviousness that monogamy is hard. Additionally, I like the idea of my wife getting fucked. I don’t have any desire to be denigrated or emasculated; I just get off on the idea of her being satisfied and a little transgressive. Early in our relationship, we talked about monogomish guidelines: I’d like to be informed and consulted, and she would rather I kept mine to myself. Last weekend we were having sex, and she asked me if I “wanted to hear a story,” code for treating me to a tale of a sexual contact. She’d been out of town for work most of the summer, and she told me that one of her roommates had gotten in the shower with her and fingered her until she came. I asked her if she’d fucked him, and she said yes. It was all hot and awesome. But a few hours later, I was experiencing pangs: Why hadn’t she told me or asked me at the time? Also, I felt very alone and depressed that summer, and when I’d gone to visit her, my wife and this roommate acted very strangely. I told her that I thought it was hot and cool, but that I didn’t think it was cool that she’d kept this from me for so long. Things got worse from there: Over the last week, we’ve had some great sex and open conversations but also a lot of anger and hurt. The truth is that she carried on with this guy all summer. It’s not the sex that bothers me so much as the breadth of the deception, the disregard for my feelings, and the violation of our agreement. And, yes, I’m feeling a little emasculated. How does a loving husband who intellectually believes that fooling around is okay—and who finds it hot sexually—get over this kind of hurt and anger? Help me get right with GGGesus.
Cocked-Up Cuckold Keeps Stressing
In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist, the author of several books, and the host of the Savage Lovecast, Savage is “a deviant of the highest order” (Daily Caller).... More by Dan Savage