Savage Love: Her Partner Changed His Mind About Spending Christmas With Her Awful Family

My partner and I have been together for five months. Before this romance, we had a deep friendship that spanned two years. During our time as friends, I made it very known that I wanted us to try dating because we have chemistry, similar goals, and are compatible in many ways, including sexually. He was not available to date anyone, including me, because he was not over a break up with an ex of nearly ten years. She moved away in 2018, then moved back in 2019, just as he and I were getting closer. When she moved back, he re-connected with her to see if there was any possibility of a reconciliation. Eventually he realized there was no future for the two of them. He eventually asked if I would give him a chance to show up romantically like he had not been able to before. That brings you up to speed on our history: a newer romantic couple with a history as friends.

Now here is where I need help: I have asked my partner to come home with me for the holidays. He is aware that I have a tenuous relationship with my immediate family. They are not hostile, just conservative and narrow-minded. I have not been home for a holiday in two years and I am making the trip back mainly to see my grandparents, who are in their nineties. When I asked my partner in early November if he would come home with me for Christmas, he said, “I think so, yes.” I was excited to think I wouldn’t have to face my family for alone. Upon further reflection, he shared that he was not sure it was the best idea to come home with me. He said he feels like it may be premature. He also expressed that perhaps he would see me in a different light around my family and, that if my family is difficult as I’ve said, it was also possible that meeting them might make him think differently of me. He also said it might not be an issue, since I am clearly “great,” and that maybe it doesn’t matter what my family of origin is like.

While I think his points are valid, the bottom line for me is I want him there to support me and I want to spend the holiday with him. If he had said, “No, I don’t think going home with you is a great idea,” in the first place, perhaps I wouldn’t made concrete plans to go home myself. At the very least there wouldn’t be this feeling of disappointment combined with the task of having to face my family alone. I’m 35 years old and he is 46 years old. Is five months too soon to spend a holiday with a partner’s challenging family?

Partner Appears Reluctant To Nicely Endure Relatives

I’m of the opinion that five months is too soon to start calling someone your “partner,” PARTNER, and by extension too soon for that person—a person who is not yet your partner—to meet the (awful) family.

But let’s back up for a second…

While there obviously aren’t any red flags here for physical or emotional abuse or other instantly disqualifying forms of assholery, PARTNER, I have some concerns.

First, I get the impression you may have stronger feelings for this guy than he has for you. At the moment! And that’s fine! A relationship isn’t a synchronized swimming event, e.g. not everyone has to be in the exact same place at the exact same time to medal. But if he was dating you and then asked you to step off so he could resume seeing his ex… well, maybe he needed to confirm that his previous relationship was not just really dead, PARTNER, but really most sincerely dead before he could really and most sincerely open his heart to you. Or maybe it’s a sign that he could take or leave you. Seeing as, you know, he took and left you once already.

And it worries me that he didn’t stop with, “Hey, on second thought it feels premature for me to be meeting your (awful) family,” which is a perfectly reasonable and perfectly legit reason for him not to wanna spend Christmas with your (awful) family this year. It worries me that he added, “Hey, meeting your family might make me feel differently about you.” That sounds kinda worryingly ambivalent. That sounds like something a person who might be entertaining doubts about the person they’re seeing might say. That sounds like something a person who might not see a future with someone might say. That doesn’t sound like something a person in the throes of NRE would typically say.

Did you see all those mights in the last paragraph? I went back and bolded them for you; there are four of them. All those mights mean I think it’s possible this guy is totally into you but instead of shutting up after sharing his one super legit reason for not wanting to spend Christmas with your (awful) family (it’s too soon), PARTNER, he prattled the fuck on and wound up saying some assholey things he didn’t mean. Maybe he could sense your disappointment and felt like he had to come up with more reasons why he couldn’t provide you with the emotional support you need this Christmas… emotional support you had every right to ask for… but emotional support that, at five months, you aren’t necessarily entitled to.

Whatever’s going on in your boyfriend‘s head, PARTNER, just accept that you’re going home for Christmas alone. Tell your boyfriend that while you’re disappointed he isn’t coming, you understand why he’s not: it’s too soon. Then tell your boyfriend you aren’t going to make a big issue out of this—you’re not going to, you know, do something crazy like run to an advice columnist and ask for a ruling—and then enjoy every minute you have with your new boyfriend before you head home.

And, hey, you can always cancel your plans to go home. Skype with the grandparents, spend Christmas with the boyfriend.