I’m a gay woman in my mid-forties and I would like to know your thoughts on a man in his 50s blurting out to his teenage daughter that the reason he sees and now pays for the boyfriend services of a male escort is because his wife, the young woman’s mother, wouldn’t have sex with him.
This heretofore straight married man is my best friend’s husband. He and my friend had an arrangement—he was free to look elsewhere. They are now finally in the process of divorcing. I’ve always known the man to be quite cold but he is now totally infatuated with this 30-year-old guy who walks all over him. The whole situation is quite sad and very complicated but I’d really like to arm my friend with some sort of answer for him when this is undoubtedly throws in her face again—that her withholding sex is to blame. The truth is it was a marriage of convenience but that is a whole other story though his lack of drive when they first got together now makes perfect sense—he is gay! I doubt he will ever say it in front of their daughter again though I’m still sickened by his callousness.
Without going into too much detail… they had separated and moved back in (a misguided decision in my mind) for their daughter’s sake. Before the split there was no sex because he didn’t want it and when they moved back in together he all of a sudden said “let’s have sex” and my friend said no. They agreed that he should be able to go outside of the marriage for sex but he took it a step further and introduced this young man as his mentee with the intention of having him welcomed into the family. The rest of the story is so outrageous I’d need hours to do the situation justice.
I’d like to know how you might explain someone who justifies things in such a way. He is very good with his words, thanks to his profession, and my friend not so much. What worries me the most is their daughter but thankfully my friend has taken her to a good therapist.
A Deeply Concerned Friend
I have a pretty good idea what your friend should say to her daughter, ADCF, but how she says it depends on the her daughter’s unique sensibility.
If her daughter has a uniquely prim sensibility: “If being married to women who won’t sleep with them turned straight men gay, half the men in the America would be gay—and half the men in America aren’t gay, honey, not even close. The fact is this: your dad is gay, he’s always been gay, but for a long time he wasn’t able admit it to himself or to anyone else. Now he’s out, and that’s a good thing, but for some reason he feels a need to pin the ‘blame’ for his sexuality on someone. And it looks like he picked me. I’m not saying there’s something blameworthy about being gay. There isn’t. There is, however, something deeply messed up about the way your father refuses to take responsibility for who he is. What he’s doing to you is completely unfair and kind of pitiful when you think about it. Just tune it out.”
If her daughter had a uniquely ribald sensibility: “Your dad is fucking nuts. Straight men don’t start sucking cocks just because their wives won’t fuck them. The fact is your father was never interested in having sex with me and now I know why. Now we all know why. Gay adults stay in the closet for just one reason: they’re afraid of being rejected by the people closest to them. Your dad is out now, and that’s a great, but there’s still one person he fears being rejected by, honey, and that person is you. So he tells you this is all my fault because he doesn’t want you to be angry with him for the drama and chaos and mentee. He want you to be angry with me. The whole thing is just sad.”
Your friend can memorize one or the other or both of the above speeches and deliver them to her daughter. Your friend can also take comfort in the knowledge that teenagers, particularly teenage girls, are acutely sensitive to adult hypocrisy and highly unlikely to take anything their fathers tell them at face value. Unless this kid is profoundly dim or overly trusting or both, ADCF, she already knows her father’s is packed full of shit.
