I’m a 16-year-old gay boy, comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I’m out at school, to my friends, basically everywhere except to my own family. A few months ago, I decided it was time to come out to my parents. I worked on possible counter-arguments to the fight I knew would happen—my parents are conservative Republicans both. When the time came, my dad was fine. He said it was my own life, I could take care of myself. My mother fought, and I fought back against the standard arguments I had prepared for. Then she produced an argument I couldn’t counter because it made so little sense to me that I couldn’t understand it enough to debate it: she said that gay people don’t exist. Gay people are just people who are so self-centered they can’t stand to be with someone in the least different from them, even at the level of gender. I kept attempting to argue, but she was stuck on her strange views. The next day was nearly silent. A similar routine happened a few weeks ago, when she found a gay book in my room. She immediately went to her winning argument from last time, and I had no idea how to dispute that. I want to come out, but how do I make her understand that I am something which, to her mind, doesn’t exist? I’m tired of being closeted, and I’ve tried to come out to her twice. I don’t know what to do at this point, and if I’ve done something wrong I don’t know what.
Unwilling Closet Case
P.S. I’m going to college next year in gifted program, but I plan on coming back home for the holidays. I’m considering leaving a letter for my mother on the day I leave outlining what I’m trying to say, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. Anyway, thanks for reading this, and say hi to Terry for me!
My response after the jump…
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You’re out to your family now, UCC, and your mom’s bullshit argument can’t change that.
And for what it’s worth: If dating, falling in love with, and marrying people who are similar to ourselves was evidence of mental illness or sexual deviancy, well, then most everybody’s a sicko. Fact is, UCC, people tend to settle down with people who are a lot like themselves—similar class backgrounds, political leanings, education levels, races, religions, etc. (Um, didn’t you mention that your parents are Republicans both?) If a pronounced preference for folks who are similar was one big step toward gayness, UCC, there would be a lot more more gay people running around.
Your mom is in denial, UCC, and don’t have to join her there. You’re gay, you’re out, it’s done. You also don’t have to beat your mom in an argument about gayness in order to come out. You don’t have to prove her wrong, you just have to be yourself. (Her argument didn’t make you less gay in the eyes of your friends, did it?) And the next time she tells you that gay people don’t exist, just smile and tell her that’s funny because she has a gay son, just like millions of other moms out there.
As for what makes people gay, you need to read—and your mom needs to read—Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientation, by Simon Levay. It’s an excellent book, and you can tuck that note you want to leave your mother inside the cover, and leave it on her pillow.—Dan
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Thank you for listening. It’s nice to hear from someone supportive—and I’m going to try again. Third time’s the charm, right? Thank you again.—UCC
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Don’t think of it as trying again, UCC. You’re out already.
And remember: parents sometimes have tantrums when their gay kids come out. Don’t make the mistake of writing your mom off just because she’s being a dick. Let her have her tantrum and tell her—like she told you back when you had tantrums—that you love her still. Hopefully your mom, like most moms, will come around. And if there’s a PFLAG chapter in your area—you can find the closest one here—urge your mom and your dad to attend a meeting.—Dan
This is not an argument that someone totally unversed in thinking about “being gay” comes up with on the spot. This sounds like something she’d been thinking about and/or googling ahead of time. Which means she probably had some inkling you’re gay before you brought it up. If she recognized it on some level before you brought it up, then she’s totally in denial for reasons only she can account for.
But if she loved you once before the “outing” then she’ll come around eventually when she sees that you’re still the same basic person she loved before (and so obviously and desperately wants to keep).
Or maybe your mom *is* some hyper-interconnected-corpus-callosum genius and *did* come up with that shit on the spot. In which case you may want to take cover in advance of the potential metamorphosis into that gigantic-cranium villain from Green Lantern.
His mother is in denial obviously and clutching at straws because the imaginary life she hoped for UCC; being a star football player, getting married to a blond, having 2.5 kids, opening a successful car dealership coming over on Saturdays for barbecues, etc. is probably not going to come about. She may have heard some misguided conservative talker say something along these lines, probably that “Doktor” Laura asshole. This sounds like her kind of bullshit.
Sadly, it’s hard to change the minds of folks who generally turn their decision-making skills over to authority figures of one sort or another. but if she really loves him, eventually she’ll hopefully just learn keep this kind of shit to herself.
Mom still feels guilty about that hot, hot pussy she used to score in college. Give her time, she’ll get over it (and maybe go back to it, one of these days).