Fox News radio host Alan Colmes recently got into a bit of a tiff over the air with spokesperson for the American Family Association, and white-haired stallion Bryan Fischer. After Colmes asked him, “Have you ever had a gay impulse?” Fischer responded, “Alan, I’m not going to talk about that. We’re not going to go there. We’re not going to talk about that.” Fischer then continued on to say, “Everybody experiences sexual impulses that, if they acted on those impulses, it would destroy them. I’ve experienced them,” Fischer added, whilst dabbing at the beads of sweat on his forehead and loosening his Lady Gaga-printed tie.
For the last 23 years, Disney World has celebrated an annual unofficial “gay day,” where queers from all cuts come and celebrate being gay in giant teacups and pink castles. “One Million Moms,” a subsidiary of the American Family Association (see: above), ain’t too thrilled about it. “Disney has been irresponsible for far too long. Disney representatives and security need to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere and require proper conduct and dress code on a daily basis.” “I hate to break it to all those moms,” said Mickey Mouse, “but every day at Disney is pretty gay.”
When Minnesota realized that Minneapolis is actually the gayest city in America, they decided it was maybe time to go ahead and legalize gay marriage already. This week, Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage—and Minnesota state representative Michelle Bachmann is like, totally pissed about it. “It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. It could be some sort of flesh eating virus. All I know is that God does not let homosexuality go unpunished, and Minneapolis is next in line for his wrath,” said Bachmann in an interview with anchorman Chris Nolan.
Bachmann then continued, saying she’s considering moving to Oregon, as our state still has a ban on same-sex marriage. “I’ve heard wonderful things about Eugene,” she says, “and I think congressman DeFazio may be vulnerable to a challenge. They’re the nicest people in the world out there, I’m sure we’d be welcomed with open arms.” Said local bi-sexual and dreadlocked headshop owner Bryan, “Uh, has she met us?”
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Whoooops! Big thanks to our friend Eric D. Snider (and our observant commenters) for alerting us that the previous story was originally published on the SATIRICAL news site Daily Currant. Sorry about that, and we should’ve known better! BOOOO us!]
If you’ve ever wondered what’s the best way to come out to your parents, this video circulating around the web might help.
Note that the Bachmann article you link to is from the “Daily Currant,” which bills itself as the “Global Satirical Paper of Record.”
Yeah, she didn’t really say that.
But it’s funny (scary, actually) that it didn’t strike me as obvious fiction right off the bat — that woman is plenty loony enough to utter such nonsense.
Ah, bloggers, when will we stop linking to the Daily Currant as fact?
How dare you all beat me to the fact that the Bachmann news was fake? Although, I think she once said her husband wasn’t available because he was buying a skirt for a poodle or something. In that case, they might fit in nicely in the Pearl.
Thanks for the heads up, commenters (and Eric D.)! That was a dumbass move on our part, and I apologize for that! FIXED!
LITERALLY UNBELIEVABLE, STEVE.