Gifts for the ladies in your life
Boys! With the holidays just around the corner, your chance to redeem yourself
runs high! Turn in those AC/DC records and take your Atari to the pawn shop,
because this is a time of crucial importance. Choose wisely, my friend, for
this goes on your permanent record. One wrong move and you could be shunned
from female society for the majority of your adult life!
Heed these words: Avoid cheap lingerie like the plague. If for some
godforsaken reason you frequent Montgomery Ward, steer clear of the intimates
section–no matter what the cost.
See a lacey, beige chemise? Run–don’t walk–to the nearest exit! Trample small children and those old ladies on motorized carts! You must somehow manage to escape untainted from such horror. On the other hand, there are a number of perfectly acceptable, even extraordinary gifts to show your main flame that you are not, in fact, totally and completely inept.
Cheap Naked Fun
Gas up the car and go west, young man! The Uniontown Steam Baths located
in beautiful Astoria provide the perfect getaway for you and your girl with
guaranteed nudity! $17 gets you an hour in your own private steam room, or,
for Horny Boys seeking Horny Boys, drop your drawers and head to the Men’s Public
Baths, aka “The Bullpen.” Eek! Flaccid genitalia left and right! (But not for
long, right?) There’s even a XXX Video store located above the Baths. Hmm, how
eerily convenient….
Uniontown Steam Baths 285 W Marine Drive, Astoria, Thu-Sun, 4-10:30
pm
Price: $17 per hour
Good Vibrations
Can’t seem to get the job done? Call for back up! The Crystal Cock Lite Vibrator can do all the things your clumsy fingers can’t! This 6″ multiple-speed jelly
torpedo is sure to fire your sweetheart into orgasmic ecstasy. Here’s your chance
to hear your girl having a real orgasm instead of the fake ones she performs
to soothe your tender ego. (Betcha didn’t see that one coming!) Just twist the
base for total timing control. For a mere $21.95, she’ll be forever grateful!
Available at: www.adameve.com,
or call 1-800-293-4654
Price: $21.95
Things that Sparkle
So you really like this girl. She’s smart and funny and sweet. She kisses you
on the cheek and falls asleep in your arms. She puts up with your sporadic bathing
schedule and frequent bodily functions. Yes, I know you really need a new amp,
your 1985 Dodge Daytona is on its last legs, and they’re threatening to shut
off your phone. Just buy the fucking diamonds, ok? Tiffany & Co. Diamond
Earrings from the Victoria Collection set in platinum, are $4,500, and worth
it. Log onto tiffany.com or visit the new
store at Pioneer Place, opening just in time for the holidays.
Available at: Tiffany & Co., 700 SW 5th Ave
Price: $4,500
For the (Not So) Gentlemen
Okay girls, the trick here is to buy gifts for
your boys that will actually benefit you. This can be done without suspicion
as long as you throw in one or two of the standard boyfriend gifts, e.g. record
store gift certificate (Music Millenium, 3158 E Burnside & 801 NW 23rd Ave)
or new boxers to replace his holey, poop-streaked ones (Gap, various locations).
But onwards and upwards, right? Right! Read on for some suggestions that are
sure to prolong your toleration of that special someone.
The Joy of Sex
Chances are your man could use some pointers besides the one in his pants! Give
him the gift of sexual wisdom from Powell’s City of Books where you’ll find
an array of literature that will steer his schlong in the right direction. Chris
Allen presents 1001 Sex Secrets Every Man Should Know for only
$8. Are those handcuffs just a bit too snug? Wrap up Come Hither: A Commonsense
Guide to Kinky Sex by Gloria G. Brame for $10.40. Is your sex life (and
relationship) unsalvageable? Give him The Joy of Solo Sex by Harold
Litten ($12.95) right before you dump his sorry ass come December 26th.
Available at: Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside,
Various Prices
Hairy Snotter and the Tweezers of
Doom
You know you’re in trouble when your boyfriend’s nose hair could double as a moustache.
Enter the Turbo-Groomer 2.0. Its dual steel blades trim away nose and ear hair
effortlessly at over 4000 RPMs. Its bright little headlight will guide him through
the thicket as he becomes doable again in just a few minutes. Worth every penny
of the $59.95 it will cost you; takes two C batteries (not included). Cleans easily
under running water.
Available at: The Sharper Image at Pioneer Place, or sharperimage.com
Price: $59.9
Buy Him Soap
Those damn dirty, horny boys!
Ivory Soap, Available at any local supermarket, $1.99
You’ve seen people wearing those sexy costumes at parties – Naughty French maids, spicy school girls and erotic nurses, dancing and having fun while being the center of attention. You love having fun too, you know you got the looks, but you always seem to be stuck in some corner, ignored in your ghost outfit. Well, it’s time for a costume makeover!
One of the best-selling costumes during the Halloween season are sexy costumes. If you’re looking for a sexy costume this Halloween season, but just don’t have the time or are embarrassed to go shopping in your local costume store, However, in the light of day, things are different. You’re embarrassed and feel a little silly dressing in some sexy outfit while at a big department store. The lighting is harsh, grumbling people are waiting for you to hurry up, and they give you disparaging looks when they see you holding your fantasy Fiona maid outfit. With your confidence shattered, is it time to slink away and forget about wearing anything showing off even a bit of ankle? Nonsense, then shopping for one online is definitely for you.
Costumes are easy to shop for online. In the privacy of your own home, you can browse among thousands of different outfits, for every season and every occasion. Thinking of a playmate bunny outfit to surprise your significant other on Easter? There’s dozens of variations available for purchase. Sexy regal queens, medieval damsels, hot pirates and Egyptian belly dancing costumes are all easy to find. Accessories, matching footwear, and theme jewelry can also be found, often as suggestions for a certain costume. With the privacy of your home and the stringent security standards of all reputable online retailers, you’re only problem is in trying to narrow down what you can see yourself in. Follow these simple tips to help you when buying your sexy costume online.
Know What You Want
Before actually searching for a sexy costume online, it would be a good idea to know what you want to be first. You may get overwhelmed with the sheer number of options that you will be presented with if you search for sexy costume. If you have an idea of which character you want to portray, it would be a lot easier to search for the perfect costume for you. There are so many options you can choose from.
Aside from these, it is also important that you know your size. If possible, measure the different areas of your body, such as the shoulders, the waist and the hips. Some websites include the measurements along with the sizes of the costumes that they are selling; knowing your measurements will make it less of a hassle to look for a costume that will fit you.
Look at Different Online Specialty Stores
There are different kinds of online stores that sell sexy costumes. You can check with costume shops, lingerie shops and even party shops online. Remember that not all online costume stores sell sexy adult costumes. Some online specialty stores only carry a limited selection of costumes, with limited stocks. It is important to find a costume that you want and would want to feel sexy in. The good thing about online stores is that you can usually find a full selection of sizing options online, making it the ideal choice for the really small to the really big woman. You should go through several online shops in order to find something that you actually like in a size that will fit you.
Compare Prices Before Buying
When you’ve found several online stores carrying the costume that you want, the next step is to compare the prices of the different items. The amount you will be spending depends on a number of factors, such as the costume you want, the pieces that make-up the costume, the accessories included, where you will be buying the costume from, and any additional shipping costs.
Check Store Policies
Before finally giving out your credit card number, it is necessary to do a quick background check on the online store you will be buying from. Check if they are a legitimate shop and read previous reviews written on them, if there are any. Also look into the company’s terms and conditions. Check for any additional fees that they could charge you with, such as handling and delivery fees, and make sure they have a decent return or exchange policy, just in case the item does not fit. Remember to read the fine print!
Nowadays, there are many online stores that sell costumes. It is recommended that you shop different costume stores so that you will have a larger selection. If you want to shop conveniently, you should visit the online costume stores. The brick and mortar costumes store are usually open during the Halloween season. In addition, the brick and mortar costume stores have low inventories.
Shopping for sexy costumes online is a hassle-free way of getting the costume that you want. For a cheap and convenient solution, shop for sexy costumes online!