Live from the heart of Jumptown™ as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Miami Heat. I think I speak for everyone when I say, WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
This time last week the Blazers were toppling the Bulls by 24 points, and now they are easily the worst 12-7 team in the league. (They are also the only 12-7 team in the league. I think this really helps my argument here.) While points and defense have been hard to come by, bitchy post-game comments about playing time and their sensitive emotions have been plentiful. The Blazers are officially sadder than last night’s Morrissey concert. Oh, and LaMarcus Aldridge is out with a knee contusion tonight.
Let the wrist cutting commence.
PRE-GAME:
Hello Dante Cunningham, starting power forward. Never thought I’d be typing that in December (or in the years 2009-2012). But with Aldridge in the nurse’s office with a bum knee, and Juwan Howard regaling a half empty dish of Werther’s Original with tales from WWI (He’s old, get it?), the Blazers don’t exactly have many (or, well, any) options at the power forward spot. Look for Cunningham to play 48 minutes straight tonight. I really wish this team still had Shavlik Randolph.
Oh, look it’s Shavlik Randolph. And James Jones. And Jermaine O’Neal. And Jamaal Magloire. And Miami head coach Erik Spoelstra. All former Portlanders. One more player and the Heat could field an entire ex-Blazers team (which would probably roll tonight because they have actual power forwards).
FIRST QUARTER:
10:43 – A spinning twirl from Dwayne Wade and now it’s 7-0 Heat. Nice start.
9:29 – Greg Oden foul number one. Five more to go! 9-3 Heat.
9:05 – Oden foul number two. Tough call, but he got tied up with O’Neal—their corn rows interlocked—and picked up the whistle and a quick trip to the pine. McMillan gets a solidarity technical as well. This game is going just swimmingly so far. 11-3 Heat.
7:04 – Brandon Roy is doing everything in his power to keep the home team in the game. He has seven straight points. Where would this team be without Roy? Oh yeah, last place with Sebastian Telfair running the offense. I remember those days. 17-10 Heat.
6:06 – Cunningham is playing fantastic. Not much on the boxscore to show for it, but he’s looked far better than a player in his first starting role. The rookie has been guarding Michael Beasley and shows little effects from the contact high. Ouch. 19-15 Heat.
2:39 – Andre Miller looks like he’s been hitting the cough medicine. Sooooo slooow. Passes end up in the hands of the Heat, tipped out of bounds, or behind their intended targets. I blame Steve Blake for this. If I lost my livelihood to Gummo, I’d be knocking back the sizzurp too. Now where is my tiny plastic cup. Daddy needs his medicine. 26-20 Heat.
2:13 – We have over 38 minutes left in this game, but I still can’t think of a single Rony Seikaly joke. My night is ruined. 26-22 Heat.
0:00 – Juwan Howard with a bank shot! At the buzzer! The Fab Five have beat Temple and are going to the NCAA Championship game! Wolverines win! Wolverines win! Wolverines win! (32-28 Heat)
SECOND QUARTER:
11:16 – Andre Miller with a pass… to Paul Allen. Keep sucking up like that and he’ll give you the Seahawks. Trust me, ‘Dre, you’d rather backup Bayless than own that team. 32-28 Heat.
9:10 – Bayless with a jumper. Miller with a reverse layup. Point guards: they’re not just for turnovers anymore. 38-34 Heat.
5:47 – A pair of missed opportunities lead to a pair of loose balls, both of which end up in the safe paws of Roy. One Oden layup later and it’s now a game separated by a single basket. 42-40 Heat.
4:20 – Nevermind. Wade posts on Miller. Wade scores. Miller is stuffed at the rim and that results in a Wade to Beasley alley-oop dunk. /sad trombone noise. 48-42 Heat.
3:36 – Joel Przybilla picks up a whistle and Oden comes back into the game. His return doesn’t change the odd shift of minutes where the Blazers’ bench has more time played in this game than the starters (with the obvious exception of Roy). 50-46 Heat.
1:22 – I just realized I made a Jermaine O’Neal corn rows joke, but he shaved his head awhile back. I am ashamed on my ignorance when it comes to NBA hair. I should be fired. 55-50 Heat.
0:05 – This sold out crowd seems very upset with the calls that go against Portland, yet they are in favor of the fouls whistled against Miami. Interesting. I hope the league knows about this. 60-50 Heat.
THIRD QUARTER:
12:00 – It can’t be a great feeling to enter the final two quarters of a game with Juward Howard being your hottest shooter, can it? This is not looking good. 60-50 Heat.
8:50 – The Heat are shooting 56% from three-pointer land, 57% from everywhere else. Praying for Nicolas Batum to get better does not count as a defensive strategy. Portland will not win tonight unless those two numbers get lower. 70-60 Heat.
7:06 – Roy with a missed layup, but Oden comes out of nowhere (well, at 270+ lbs, there isn’t a lot of “nowhere” to hide in) to dunk it home. Single digit defeat, here they come! 70-62 Heat.
5:52 – I’m waiting for the other shoe (or foul) to drop, but until then Oden has been picking this Miami team apart. The Heat are immersed in foul trouble (already in the penalty for the quarter), as Oden methodically pulls Portland back into this game. 72-65 Heat.
4:26 – How does Joel Anthony of the Heat get people to pronounce his name Joe-El? Can the Vanilla Gorilla be Joe-El Pryzbilla? What about the timeless pop music of Billy Joe-El? 74-67 Heat.
3:55 – Oden blocks Wade and on the other end takes on three Miami players only to get (revenge) fouled by Wade. He is like a slow motion Dwight Howard. 77-68 Heat.
1:37 – Pryzbilla with foul number five. Ugh. Due to their complete lack of big men, Portland will now start stacking smaller players. Pryzbilla will exit the game and be replaced by Bayless atop the shoulders of Rudy. At 12 feet, nine inches, Jerryd Fernandez will be unstoppable. 85-70 Heat.
FOURTH QUARTER:
12:00 – Down 16 with a dozen minutes to play, more than a few Portland fans head for the exits. I hope Portland comes back just to spite them. (They won’t.) 88-72 Heat.
10:42 – The Oden line so far. 12 points, 10 boards, three blocks, and only a pair of early fouls. Now if he can just run off about 16 points in a row, we’d have ourselves a game. 90-74 Heat.
7:45 – Mark down this time as the exact moment the Blazers gave up in this game. Barring an act of god—or Bayless—Miami walks out of here with a 25+ win. 90-75 Heat.
7:21 – Juwan Howard with a breakaway dunk. C-L-A-N-K. Told ya, this team is done for the night. 92-75 Heat.
4:10 – Always my foil, Blake hits his first two shots on the night. Both three pointers. Way to show up, Blakey. Single digit deficit! 96-87 Heat.
2:28 – Wade cares not for your Steve Blake comeback. He dunks the ball, swings on the iron, and makes sure everyone left in this arena knows that he is better than this entire Blazers roster combined. Yes, even 12″9 Jerryd Fernandez. 100-90 Heat
0:24 – Blake for three! OH MY GOD… that was meaningless. 105-97 Heat.
0:00 – And that will do it. Pop open a bottle of booze, it’s going to be a long month. Your final score: Miami 107, Portland 100.
Due to their complete lack of big men, Portland will now start stacking smaller players.
Nice one. I think this could be a serious strategy.