Blazers vs Cavs – Hot Live Blog Action

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Lebroneveland Lebronavaliers. Or Cleveland Cavaliers. But really, no offense (no pun attended) to the unstoppable force that is Sasha Pavlovic, but Cleveland is LeBron’s team. Everyone else is just along for the ride, and the paycheck.

If you remember this time last year, Portland was this close to beating Cleveland, until some asshat in the front row of the Rose Garden heckled LeBron to the point of him taking notice, then he obliterated Portland with 37 points and scored the winning layup with less than a second on the clock. Let’s keep our mouths shut tonight, for the greater good.

PRE-GAME
Gosh, Greg Oden sure looked dandy Monday night against Milwaukee, 24 points and 15 boards. Can he do the same tonight? He damn well better. He’ll be locking horns with Anderson Varejao (if Leandro Barbosa is the Brazilian Blur, what is Varejao? The Brazilian Blaaaaa?), a center he should dominate. Plus, it’s G.O.’s 21st birthday tonight (if I can get in the door, I’ll blog the afterparty details), which means it’s about time he man up.

Okay, Lebron just did his chalk thing, and now time for me to do the same: Every game before blogging, I have a pre-game ritual of tossing up the dust from my Cheetos. What? I’m a blogger, not an athlete. I’ve learned not to use Flaming Hot Cheetos , after some of the dust got into my eye last season. It burns.

FIRST QUARTER:
10:50 – OH! The birthday boy Oden just swatted LeBron at the rim. It was a fantastic block, too bad it just switched the LeBron switch from DESTROY to KILL + DESTROY. 2-0 Portland.

9:24 – Doing his best Steve Blake impression, Sergio Rodriguez camps out in the corner and sinks a three. 8-6 Cavs.

5:28 – Portland and Cleveland (well, mostly LeBron) keep trading hoops. Roy with a jumper. LeBron with two jumpers. So it goes. 18-14 Cleveland.

3:52 – The good news is that Cleveland is already in the penalty, too bad Portland cannot remember how to make a free-throw. Outlaw clanks a pair. It better not be one of those nights. 23-18 Cavs.

2:26 – The Jerryd Bayless line: 2:08 minutes played, one turnover, two fouls. Ouch. 23-20 Cleveland.

0:00 – The Blazers get a break when Nicolas Batum buries a long shot, but not before pump-faking LeBron so bad that #23 ended up with a seat in the first row. He had a nice view of Batum’s shot falling as the buzzer sounded. 28-25 Cavs.

SECOND QUARTER:
11:43 – ¡Rudy para tres! And following the Cavs miss, Outlaw pushes Portland on top with a jumper. The Blazers better do all they can with King James resting on the bench, 30-28 Portland.

9:19 – ¡Rudy para tres! Again. 34-31 Portland.

6:43 – In the five minutes that LeBron rode the pine, the Portland pieced together a three point lead. In the 30 seconds since he checked back into the game, Cleveland is once again winning, 35-34 Cavs. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

5:47 – LeBron crab dribbles for a turnover. I really enjoy typing the words crab dribble. It’s my new DJ name. DJ Crab Dribble. I’m spinning at the Tube every Tuesday night, holla at me. 36-35 Blazers.

4:03 – LeBron just isolated poor Rudy Fernandez, then punked him so bad that Fernandez ended up falling to the ground (most likely with a pair of ankles that were snapped in two). Let’s never speak of that moment ever again. 41-38 Cavs.

2:26 – Oh, happy birthday Paul Allen. You and Greg Oden share a birthday… and the inability to shoot a jumper. 45-38 Cavs.

0:38 – Cleveland gets a pair of threes from Mo Williams and Zoolander outcast Wally Szczerbiak (I just broke three keyboard keys and two fingers typing his name), and now they’ve broken this game wide open. 53-43 Cavs.

0:00 – Outlaw hits a three and now the lead is at least in single digits. Small victories, people. 53-45 Cleveland.

THIRD QUARTER:
10:54 – LeBron James is just fucking ridiculous. The only way to stop him now is to dig a large hole, cover it in leaves, and then hope he falls in. Basically the same way you’d catch a boar while stranded on an island. 57-48 Cavs.

8:31 – Roy shoots an airball, which is grabbed midair by Batum for a dunk. Shot? Pass? Let’s not be picky and just appreciate the two points. Meanwhile while chasing a loose ball, Outlaw and LeBron collide. They both fall down. Foul on Outlaw, naturally. 62-56 Cavs.

6:33 – Crab dribble! Crab dribble! LeBron turns it over again. Well, “again” meaning for the second time. 62-58 Cleveland.

5:02 – LeBron is on fire. Somehow he just scored six points in about six seconds. He cannot be stopped. He cannot be contained. He cannot be hit by a flying cup of soda (I can’t throw it that far). 70-61 Cavs.

2:41 – Once again, let’s check the Jerryd Bayless line: 5:58 played, one turnover, foul fouls. Ouch, again. 70-64 Flyover State.

0:26 – Bayless with a rare non-foul or turnover—I believe it was called an “assist”—and Aldridge finishes with a dunk while getting hacked. Swish goes the free-throw; three point play! Despite the LeBronsplosion, Portland is hanging in there. 74-69 Cavs.

FOURTH QUARTER:
10:49 – Okay, LeBron is resting on the bench, so please for the love of all things holy, score as many points as humanly possible. If you don’t, we all know how this ends. 76-71 Cavs.

10:05 – Bayless just provides a ‘lil spark with a highlight reel layup. But it might have been too good of a shot, since King James just stepped off his throne and back into the game. 76-73 Ohio.

8:35 – ‘Lil Sparky with a drive while drawing the whistle. He hits ’em both. Bayless is doing all he can to make up for his three previous useless quarters of play. Portland is now within a point. 78-77 Cavs.

8:25 – Oden picks up his fifth foul. One more and he’ll be joining his birthday party earlier than expected. 79-77 Cleveland.

6:46 – Roy drives. Roy scores. Roy fouled. And most importantly, Roy just tied this game. Correction, Roy just gave Portland the lead. Good lord, it is loud in here. 82-81 Blazers.

5:46 – Ouch. Bayless gets the whistle of doom for a phantom foul. His fifth. 83-82 Cavs.

5:24 – LeBron barrels over Przybilla, no foul. LeBron shots a three. Swishy! 88-82 Cavs. What the hell happened to that Portland lead?

2:55 – Oden fouled, not the other way around (for once). He hits them both. Now if someone can stop that LeBron chap… Oh, Outlaw did just that, he stuffed James on a jumper. 92-88 Cavs.

1:58 – “Fuck Mo Wiliams.” – The drunk guy seated by press row. I believe his foul language was brought upon by Mo’s three-pointer. 95-90 Cavs.

1:26 – Happy birthday Greg Oden! 10 points, 8 rebounds, 6 fouls, 21 years of age. 95-90 Cavs.

0:48 – Mo Williams hits a three, while single-handily stomping on the hopes of dreams of everyone in this arena. I think that drunk guy said it best. 98-90 Cavs.

0:46 – Rudy for three? Come on miracle (yeah, sorry for the Mirah reference). 98-93 Cavs.

0:19 – Eh, miracles are for suckers. LeBron scores again just to rub it in. Bayless joins Oden in the foul out corner. 100-95 Cavs.

0:16 – Roy for three. The red and black will not die… at least, they won’t until these 16 seconds tick on by. 102-98 Cleveland.

0:00 – And that’ll do it. Folks, if it wasn’t for that LeBron James guy, and his little pal Mo Williams, the Blazers would have won… by 61 points. Your final score, Cleveland 104, Portland 98.