Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the saddest franchise in professional sports, the Los Angeles Clippers.
Normally this would be a golden opportunity to crack wise at the misguided ball of tubbiness that is Zach Randolph, but the most misunderstood former Blazer of all time is currently not suited up for the Clips, due to a suspension for introducing his fist to the face of Louis Amundson. Why, you ask? Because he thought Amundson—ponytail and all—was trying to kiss him.
Finally, a player is brave enough to stand up to all the graphic man-on-man makeout sessions that breakout mid-game. Thanks to Zach Randolph, heterosexuality is once again safe.
PRE-GAME
All smooching aside, the Clippers have a better injured reserved list than starting lineup. In addition to Z-Bo, both Chris Kamaniac and Marcus Camby will not be in uniform tonight. So, who is left for the Clippers? Baron Davis, and not much else… unless you count the sea on anonymity that is Jason Hart, Mike Taylor, and DeAndre Jordan. Basically they are like the left coast Washington Generals.
What’s new with the Globetrotters Blazers? Not too much. Greg Oden is out. Again. Does it even matter anymore?
Know what does matter? Brian McKnight is in the house to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Maybe he can play center for the Blazers (while he softly croons slow jams to the cheerleaders).
Damn, that was one panty-dropping performance of the national anthem. America just got a whole lot more sexy.
FIRST QUARTER:
10:00 -Joel Przybilla does his best to eliminate the Oden separation anxiety the team is clearly suffering from; he does this by traveling. 6-4 Portland.
8:17 – Steve Blake hurls it from halfcourt for a ridiculously long alley-oop pass to Nicolas Batum. 8-4 PDX.
5:05 – It’s not just that the Blazers are scoring at will—they are—it’s how they are scoring. Easy, easy, baskets. Lots of dunks, layups, and wide open shots. LaMarcus Aldridge already has more points than the entire visiting team (he has 10), and Lil’ Stevie Blake has eight assists in less than seven minutes. 18-8 Portland.
4:42 – Now this is just getting ridiculous. Blake flippantly passes over his head to a wide open Batum, three points. Blowout City, here we come. 21-10 Blazers.
3:40 – Blake, again. This time another alley-oop to Aldridge. He now has 10 assists. Good lord, the Clippers are where players go to pad their stats. 25-12 Blazers
2:07 – Pull the starters. This game is over. I want to see Michael “StudRuffin” in this game, now. 29-12 Portland.
0:40 – Holy shit! Steve Blake has just tied the NBA record for assists in a quarter with 14. He tied the mark set by John Lucas in 1984. Wow. Blowouts are fun. 37-14 Portland.
0:00 – Just like a few minutes back, Aldridge still has more points than the entire Clippers team. He has 18, they have 16. One-on-five, he could take them all. 38-16 Portland.
SECOND QUARTER:
11:45 – Blake’s record also tops the team record for assists in a half. But I’m sure once he is done turning it over, Sergio Rodriguez will get 15 assists this quarter. 41-16 Blzrs.
7:12 – Sergio is only 12 turnovers away from tying the NBA record. But that is for all four quarter, so he still has time. Just saying. 47-19 Blazers.
4:55 – Rudy for three and now the lead is 30 points. Leave now and beat the traffic home. 54-24 PDX.
0:01 – Roy scores a layup with one second on the clock. Typical Roy clutch play, too bad that the lead is now at 26 points. 65-39 PDX.
THIRD QUARTER:
8:58 – Steve Blake went the entire second quarter without an assist, tying an NBA record held by about 5,000 different players. Be proud, Stevie! 72-46 Portland.
5:12 – The lead is down to 20. Panic! But the good news is that Denver just lost to Milwaukee and if Portland can cling to this tiny lead, they will be 1.5 games out of first place. 79-59 Portland.
0:50 – I’m seeing a whole of unimportant basketball, but what I am not seeing is some unimportant players. (For the home team, that is. They are all scrubs on the Clippers.) This is the ideal garbage time for Ruffin and Shavlik Randolph. 92-68 Portland.
FOURTH QUARTER:
10:27 – Travis Outlaw with a nifty reversal dunk. Poor Clippers. They are to suck what the Lakers are to good. 96-68 Portland.
8:37 – You like terrible Mexican food, Portland? Good, because you just got some thing called a “Chalupa,” courtesy of the three from Rudy Fernandez and the Pepsi Corporation. Choke on it. 101-70 Blazers.
6:44 – Shavlik Randolph is in the game, so at least McMillan sort of keeps the starters away from sustaining an injury in this massacre. 105-75 Blazers.
3:56 – Best overheard quote when Shavlik checked into the game, “Who the fuck is this guy.” Exactly. Speaking of junk time, here comes StudRuffin. Back to back games for the new dude. 109-82 Blazers.
1:11 – Ruffin airballs a layup, a moment that is far more exciting than anything that has happened in the past three quarters of basketball. 111-87 Portland.
Thankfully this unfair fight is over. Your final score, Portland 116, Clippers 87.
What’s worse:
Watching the Blazers blow a lead to the lowly Knicks and having to rely on a Roy buzzer-beater?
or
Watching the team annihilate this JV squad known as the Clippers?
I always enjoy myself at the Rose Garden, but yesterday’s game (NBA record and foreshortened B.Roy triple-double included) was – I’ll be polite – relaxing. But I am not complaining, because at least they didn’t play down to another shitty opponent.