Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Washington Wizards. Washington has the worst record in the NBA (technically they are tied with Oklahoma City for that honor, but I refuse to believe that there is really a professional basketball team in Oklahoma City. The Thunder? It just sounds so made up.)
Will Portland walk all over the Wizards (Hey, watch the robe!) tonight, or will their evil sorcery ruin the Blazers’ playoff run? Click on through to the other side…
PRE-GAME:
Washington is a mess. Their best player (Gilbert Arenas) is still injured. Their best poet (Etan Thomas) is still injured. Their best bearded player who bowls while wearing a shirt with a vague cocaine reference on it is still injured. Their logo resembles the work of a crippled Make-a-Wish child. But hey, they got that Barry Obama guy in their city now. He better suit up, because no matter how bad things are in America, the Wizards need him more.
In Blazers news, Martell Webster (he’s like Raef LaFrentz, but with five minutes of court time and a much smaller contract) won’t be returning to March. That’s not good news for the home team, but the Blazers have toughed it out for almost four months now, so what’s a few more?
Dominic McGuire? Ugh, the Wizards have it bad. With the exception of Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler, it’s like there is a basketball strike only in D.C. and this team is assembled of nothing but scab players.
FIRST QUARTER:
9:44 – After Nicolas Batum dunks without the ball (it was removed from his hands on the way up), Brandon Roy somehow dribbles around a half-dozen Wizard players (the NBA lets them play with one extra man on the court, they just feel bad) for a ridiculous layup. 4-2 Portland.
8:10 – “Foul, number 52.” Since Oden fouls so often, can they just record that and save the poor PA announcer’s voice? He’s got a long career—of fouling—ahead of him, so it might be a good idea. 11-6 Portland.
5:57 – After Sergio Rodriguez dribbles into a crowd, stops, and panics, Jerryd Bayless enters the game. With not a lot of speed from Washington’s guards, T.Rex should have his way off the drive. 16-8 Blazers.
3:25 – And he does. Bayless shreds through the Wizards’ defense (That term sounds weird, it’s like I’m not blogging about sports, but instead back to doing my one true love: Writing D&D fan fiction) and delivers a highlight reel pass to LaMarcus Aldridge, who bobbles it out of bounds. It was a little too good. 19-10 Blazers.
0:08 – Portland has allowed Washington to climb back into this game (I assume it’s out of sympathy), but some great coaching has helped out Portland’s cause. Roy was subbed in, and Portland scored. Then Roy went out, Batum came in for defense, and in his eight seconds of action, Batum blocks a breakaway dunk. 22-17 Portland.
SECOND QUARTER:
11:12 – Juan Dixon (Hey, I remember you. Sorry for shipping you away and then never calling or inquiring about your well being.) knocks back a three and the Wizards are within a basket. 22-20 Portland.
8:11 – Sergio Rodriguez (he is to this team what Juan Dixon was to the 2006 Blazers) hits a three, which breaks the tie. Yes, Portland was tied with Washington in the sport of basketball. I have a hard time believing it. 27-24 PDX.
6:24 – Oden has lucked out to draw the coverage of one JaVale McGee, who has just let GO have his way underneath the basket. As always, it’s not pretty, but Oden looks like Godzilla rampaging through downtown Tokyo when he is under the basket. 34-26 Portland.
5:35 – The Rudy to Roy alley-oop failed, but Travis Outlaw came flying through for an awful nice put-back dunk. Hey, lookie, double digit lead. 36-26 PDX.
4:04 – I’m no mathlete, but one of the reasons Portland is winning right now (other than just being better on the court, and spiritually closer to the almighty Jehovah) is that they have 10 steals and Washington has 14 turnovers. 36-28 Blazers.
0:21 – This game has been damn ugly—both teams are shooting in the 30 percentile—but Portland heads into the locker room with an eight point lead. It would have been more had Sergio not fouled Butler while shooting a three. But he sure made up for that blunder when he closed out the half with an airball. Ugh. 39-31 Portland.
THIRD QUARTER:
10:22 – It’s official. Portland is now shooting exactly 30% and still they are winning. Can the NBA just lower the hoop? It might makes things easier. 41-31 Portland.
8:18 – Batum for three. That should do wonders for Portland’s 10% shooting average from beyond the arch. 46-38 PDX.
5:59 – Sergio to Oden for an alley-oop dunk. That was gorgeous. How does that not happen every damn play? 55-42 Portland.
5:14 – Oden with another dunk over the big white mound of pastiness that is Darius Songalia. 60-44 PDX.
3:23 – Dunking and laying the ball into an unguarded basket will do wonders for a team’s shooting percentage. The Blazers have quickly padded their percentage up to a less pathetic 40%. Hooray? 66-50 Portland.
2:00 – The French kid is feeling it. Credit the Wizards lack of—oh I don’t know—ability, but Batum has nine points, a couple blocks, and his seeing a lot of minutes tonight. He just buried a mid-range jumper, a shot he normally never takes. 69-50 Blazers.
0:00 – Twelve more minutes and this hoops atrocity will be over with. Thank god. 73-55 Portland.
FOURTH QUARTER:
9:58 – Rudy has zero points, but that has not stopped him from hurling the ball up every chance he gets. He’s 0-5 from three point country. No bueno. 75-58 PDX.
9:04 – There’s turnovers, then there’s the Sergio turnover where he just hands the rock over to the opposing team, rolls out the red carpet, and allows them to prance all the way to the hoop. He just committed a turn over, and I bet you can guess which type it was. 80-63 PDX.
7:17 – Rudy’s first basket finally arrives in the form of a lovely breakaway layup. Meanwhile, the Oden punking of poor Darius Songalia now resembles a scene from Oz. I think Songalia is now his “cell wife.” Oden has 18 points, 14 boards, and just one foul. ONE FOUL! 84-65 Blazers.
5:42 – Oden quickly gets to more fouls. I used my ALL CAPS key prematurely. 87-72 PDX.
3:50 – Outlaw with a steal at midcourt and then a thundering dunk. I think he left the ground about a foot in front of the free-throw line. That reminded me of the heroic dunks from a certain Chicago Bulls player in the ’90s. Yup, I’m totally talking about Tony Kukoc. 92-74 PDX.
0:28 – Outlaw with another ridiculous dunk. Then another. That is three in a row. He’s going to make the Wizards cry. 100-84 Portland.
Okay, that will do it. Roy finishes with an amazing nine steals, the Wizards looked as terrible as expected (worse, actually), and now I am going to congratulate myself on an entire post that does not mention Beau Breedlove. Oops.
Your final score. Portland 100. Washington 87.