HERE’S AN UPSETTING, exciting thing: The 2015/2016 Portland Trail Blazers season is right around the corner. It’s exciting for the obvious reasons—basketball is fun, Mike Rice is losing his mind in a fun Wizard of Oz kind of way and not a sad Still Alice kind of way, and the food options at the Moda Center are bonkers as all get-out.
It’s upsetting for obvious reasons, too. The Blazers will return to the court as an almost unrecognizable apparition of last year’s playoff team. LaMarcus Aldridge plays for the San Antonio Spurs now. Wesley Matthews is a Dallas Maverick. Nic Batum plays for the Charlotte Hornets, and your boy Robin Lopez is a New York Knick. Damian Lillard, the scowling bad seed in the Trail Blazer boy band, is all that remains. Well, him and Meyers Leonard and CJ McCollum and Allen Crabbe and a bunch of other bit players who are rad, but upon whom one cannot reasonably lay expectation.
The Trail Blazers are going to be bad at winning basketball games this year is what I’m saying. We’ll have to base our superiority over other cities on different provincial qualities this year. Fuck you, Salt Lake City, you guys didn’t invent The Simpsons.
Don’t tune out, though, once you get over the sudden shock of the Blazers impending mediocrity, there’s still a lot to like about this team… or at least a lot to interest yourself with… or at least quirks. The team, at least, has quirks this year. Here are some things to keep an eye on this season….