Paul Allen is the coolest guy in this picture
Looking good, ExtenZe Arena
  • Looking good, ExtenZe Arena

Blazers fans, be thankful for Paul Allen. And no, this is not another post about the sheer unbridled insanity that pours from John Canzano’s pen. This is about Power Balance wristbands, as in those snake oil, placebo-on-the-wrist accessories that have been proved to be a complete and total scam. A very profitable scam.

This week the the Sacramento Kings announced that their arena will now be entitled Power Balance Pavilion, as the wristband company decided to drop about a million dollars a year to purchase the naming rights for this last place franchise. It’s shameful, but not much worse than other corporately named stadiums/arenas, such as Amway Arena (Orlando Magic), Quicken Loans Arena (Cleveland Cavs), PETCO Park (San Diego Padres), EnergySolutions Arena (Utah Jazz), and the Houston Astros’ Enron Field (which was thankfully changed to Minute Maid Park).

In fact, 25 of the NBA’s 30 teams play in arenas whose naming rights have been sold to corporate interests. But despite a trail of well-documented financial missteps (losing $15 billion in nine years must really hurt) Blazers’ owner Paul Allen has refused to pawn the naming rights to the Rose Garden. Thank god we don’t have to walk into an arena named after Power Balance, a pet store, or Amway.

But if the Blazers do eventually decide to sell off the arena name, they will have to find a perfect bidder. Here are my suggestions: The ExtenZe Arena, the Kardashian Dome, the Sarah Palin in 2012 Patriotism Pavilion, the Scientology Center, the Larry the Cable Guy Git-R-Done Dome, or the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il Center for Global Basketball Prosperity and Athletic Dominance. Feel free to suggest new Rose Garden names below.

Ezra Ace Caraeff is the former Music Editor for the Mercury, and spent nearly a third of his life working at the paper. More importantly, he is the owner of Olive, the Mercury’s unofficial office dog....

30 replies on “Let’s Rename the Rose Garden!”

  2. “Paul Allen has refused to pawn the naming rights to the Rose Garden.”

    Actually I think they’ve tried they just never found anyone willing to drop as much money as they wanted for it.

  16. Goodwill on the Basketball Court

    Ina Rose Garten

    Portland Police Association Mental Health Center

    New Old Lompoc New Name Old Arena

  19. The McMenamin’s Old Rose Garden Inn

    A boutique B&B/Brew Pub complete with an indoor gym and soaking pool, movie theater, and professional basketball court– Fun for the whole family! Guests may select one of the beautifully restored locker-room suites (with shared bath) or one of the cozy and romantic Sky box suites. A whimsy charm will greet guests as they view the many old-world murals and original photos (some dating all the way back to 1996!) that adorn the walls of this classic, arena-style lodge. Perfect for the honeymoon or just a romantic get-away. Weekend guest don’t need to worry about boring Blazers games as instead local band HILLSTOMP will play every Friday and Saturday night!

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