Here’s a brand new Nike commercial starring Tiger Woods in which his (dead) father’s voice-over asks if he “learned anything.”
Lesson #1: Never ever keep sext messages.
Lesson #2: Never ever keep golf clubs within reaching distance of an angry wife.
Lesson #3: Pancake house waitresses should not necessarily be trusted to keep their mouths shut.
Lesson #4: Same goes for cocktail waitresses.
Lesson #5: And porn stars.
Lesson #6: Especially porn stars.
Include your “Lessons Tiger May Have Learned” in the comments below!
Lesson: Being sexually deviant is a lot harder with your father’s disembodied voice hovering over you.
Lesson: It’s hard to feign remorse about anything when you’re exorbitantly wealthy and worshiped as the best at what you do everywhere you go. You’re much better off letting Wieden + Kennedy do it for you.
Lesson: Ambien sex rules!
Lesson: Nike needs to sell more shoes. (picture of a Nike swoosh logo)
Lesson: Some holes are easier to play than others.
What? What did I say?
Lesson: Getting your balls washed does not entail what you think it does
Lesson: Don’t get married if you wanna shag hella chicks.
Lesson: every aspect of the human experience can and should be branded.
Lesson: If you have enough money and mojo, your hot Swedish wife will come back after smacking you with a golf club.
Lesson: If you get in trouble for fucking a lot of people, hire a Bush administration PR flak to draft your half-assed apologies.
Ultra creep.
I am just so happy that I completely avoided the entire Tiger Woods controversy. I literally have no idea what it was all about, other than him crashing his Escalade in his front yard or something.