The Portland Thorns rallied a comeback to end in a 2-2 draw against Cascadia rivals, the Seattle Reign. Both teams played aggressive, fervent soccer that seemed both calculated and volatile at times. IT’S CALLED A THESAURUS, LOOK IT UP.
WHAT A DAY, WHAT A MATCH!
Saturday was a beautiful day in the rose city and 16,160 fans moved their day drinking activities to Providence Park to watch this I-5 battle. A lovely sunny day with a few evening clouds made for some perfect hoodie weather AND I KNOW HOW YOU ALL FEEL ABOUT THAT. Enjoy it, Thorns fans, those necks will soon be gritty with sweat from those thick scarves, our eyes will burn from looking into the sun AND WE SHALL REJOICE—FOR SUMMER SOCCER COMETH!
HALF AND HALF
Within the first two minutes Seattle captain Jessica Fishlock found a way to rip a shot right past Franch from just outside the 18. NAUSEATION STATION! Thorn’s fans were stunned… well most of them were… after all, it was in the first two minutes, there were a good bit of folks still waiting for beers and bathrooms. This early score didn’t affect the speed or determination of the Thorns. And it’s a damn good thing, because there was not a ball played that did not involve a fisticuffs battle. (Do I get extra points for using that word?) The Reign have a remarkably quick defense and some notable ball handling skills. Look, I love the Thorns, YOU KNOW I DO, but can we just recognize how good the Reign looked yesterday? THERE, WE WERE NICE AND NO ONE DIED. It took another 30 or so minutes before the Thorns could even out the score. Or should I say, for the Reign to even it out. That’s right, Seattle’s Fishlock scored an own goal off a cross from Raso in minute 32. And just like Dido— I WANT TO THANK YOU! But just like the time someone accidentally texted me and asked me to be in their Heart cover band then immediately followed up with “Sorry, wrong Erin.” THE CELEBRATION DID NOT LAST LONG. Seven minutes before the half ended, Seattle’s Merritt Mathias found a way to finish a ball that had been dribbled through our defense and up for a goal. Thorns were down 2-1 and it was time to regroup before another 45.
The second half was much like the first. Both teams played more and more furiously as the game continued and intensity was at an all-time high at the park. As if someone had laced our IPA’s with Monster Energy Drink and we all collectively snapped into a Slim Jim. OH YEAH!
Thorns maintained possession for 62% of the second half and won the majority of ball battles throughout the game. The official dealt four yellow cards during the second half—an even two for each team. If possession and attempts were any indications, the Thorns surely were on the verge of a goal for the first part of the second half. The Thorns got close to the goal on the wings, but our HOLY CATHOLIC CROSSES were unmet in front of the goal and our prayers unanswered. Until Raso’s cross was deflected out of the box where Klingenberg chipped it right back into play. Fortunately Allie Long was able to use her head to find the equalizer. The last few minutes were just as fierce and pant wetting as the rest of the game and, after 90 plus minutes, everyone seemed satisfied with a draw.
BATTLE OF THE BEASTS
On the field, the Thorns fought non-stop to make crucial passes, connect crosses in the box, and make big stops on defense. The majority of MY battle was fought on my way TO the stadium. As many of you know, most bridges and streets are closed in Portland and motorist are left with a series of detours, potholes and infinite crosswalks to navigate. I carefully and happily share the road with bicyclists, runners, walkers, babies, dogs, birds, Darth Vader on unicycles, and whatever else Portland can think of that needs lane space—BUT EVEN I HAVE MY LIMITS. And Saturday in Portland really tested my limits. Look, lady, we are not in Kentucky, mint juleps are disgusting and that hat is so stupid I wouldn’t feed it to a starving horse. Oh, you love horses and that’s why you need to celebrate the Kentucky Derby? Well, how about you finish crossing the street and use those drunk little eyes to Google how magical the treatment of race horses iare. And you, in your fancy suit—you don’t fool me. Just cause you are wearing a tie on a goddamn Saturday doesn’t mean the planets have realigned to revolve around you. CROSS THE STREET FASTER AND GO HOLD YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HAIR.
END RANTDEEP BREATH
The Thorns play away next Saturday (May 13) against FC Kansas City. The game will be streaming on go90, or as my Mother would say, “The go 90”
Go Thorns, Follow me @erinjeanius and, for the love of God, CROSS THE STREET FASTER
Great post Erin! Agreed on the derby watchers, and I can concur on the press box look. Thanks for all the Slim Jims though!