ce1f/1239745703-lati.jpg LaMarcus “Texas Instrument” Aldridge, seen here dunking the TI-80.

Let me drag out my abacus and TI-80 graphing calculator (I need both) to crunch some numbers and inform you what team the Portland Trail Blazers will play in the first round of the NBA playoffs (which start this weekend, by the way). This is ridiculously complicated, but I’ll try and make it as simple as possible:

– Tomorrow is the final game of the regular season and all Western Conference teams in the playoff hunt will be playing: The Blazers host the Denver Nuggets, the New Orleans Hornets play in San Antonio, and the Houston Rockets travel to Dallas.

This will happen if the Blazers win tomorrow night:
– If both Houston and San Antonio are also victorious: The Blazers play at home against the Spurs.
– If Houston wins, but San Antonio loses: The Blazers play at home against the Spurs.
– If San Antonio wins, but Houston loses: The Blazers play at home against the Rockets.
– If Houston and San Antonio both shit the bed: The Blazers become the 3rd seed (!) and play at home against the New Orleans Hornets.

Phew. Let’s take a break, my head hurts.

Okay, moving on.

This will happen if the Blazers lose tomorrow night:
– If both Houston and San Antonio win their respective games: The Blazers play in San Antonio against the Spurs.
– If San Antonio wins, but Houston loses: The Blazers play in Houston against the Rockets.
– If Houston wins, but San Antonio loses: The Blazers play at home against the Spurs.
– If Houston and San Antonio also join the loser’s parade: The Blazers play at home against the Spurs.

Basically, the Blazers control their own destiny. Just like a common Dungeon Master. If they win tomorrow, the playoffs are coming to the Rose Garden this weekend. If they lose, I will throw my laptop at Nicolas Batum and be kicked off press row. Plus some other stuff will happen. Hope this wasn’t too confusing…

Ezra Ace Caraeff is the former Music Editor for the Mercury, and spent nearly a third of his life working at the paper. More importantly, he is the owner of Olive, the Mercury’s unofficial office dog....

4 replies on “Your (Sort Of) Definitive Guide to the Blazers’ Playoff Seeding”

  1. How are you going to throw your laptop at Batum? He’s gonna be at home sick with strep throat. Watch that injury report from now on.

  3. But do you really want to hurt Portland’s best player?*

    *this comment will make much more sense in 2013 when Batum wins the MVP of the league.

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