“Like sands through the hourglass, these are the stars of our lives…”—Nostradamus
Ours is an unprecedented time in astrological studies. Astrologers are setting themselves on fire in the streets. Conjunction-junctions are appearing with functions unseen since the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Civil War, French Revolution, and the (First) American Revolution. Saturn’s move into Aries was supercharged by the Lunar New Year’s Fire Horse, riding in on a solar eclipse and spurring a time of massive transformative change. But more important than that—let’s gaze at what the skies have in store for you, personally.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Little Ram, congratulations on alienating your colleagues, and all with an email you wrote from under a blanket on the couch. You should reward yourself for all that hard work you took credit for by revenge quitting. Gatekeep yourself and show them who’s not girlboss anymore!
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Dear Taurus, who am I to argue with you? I’m not here to point out that you’re wrong, or that you haven’t thought through your new plan to become wonderful by swapping out Zoloft with lead-heavy protein powders. Because you’re right. It’s all going to work out.
Stupid Ex Larry Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
You know when you can tell an astrologer had one bad experience with one specific star sign and now they only write unfairly one-sided forecasts for that entire population? Yeah, that. Fuck you, Gemini.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
You’re cute like a little hermit crab, or a Tamagotchi, all bundled up in your emotions. And the fun part is learning which buttons on your Tamagotchi shell do what: which feeds, which poops, and which makes you scream out everything you’ve bottled up for years (Larry!).
Leo
(July 23-August 22)
You’re a shining star, Leo, but you could try a little harder. Look at your fellow Lion, Madonna, and all she’s done: Did you move to New York with only $35 and launch a five-decade career? Did you make it okay for women to talk about sex? Did you portray Breathless Mahoney in Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy (1990)?
Virgo
(August 23-September 22)
You’re well-mannered and a good friend. But if you weren’t such an anal-retentive spendthrift who relied on self-devised methodologies for every possible moral and menial task, then maybe—just maybe—you wouldn’t still be a virgin, too. Try more plaid.
Libra
(September 23-October 22)
Oh, I’m a Libra and I’m so concerned with balance and beauty and harmony. I’m just so well-adjusted and peaceful and conflict-averse! Go outside and beat a man up. He probably deserves it.
Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)
Listen, Scorpio. You’re hot. But you can’t coast on looks, charm, and vampiric sexual prowess alone. The OnlyFans looks a little lackluster. Try more collabs, feet pics, filming from inside the hole? Wait, no don’t block me I’m renewing right now….
Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
Responding to a noise complaint at 3 am, police encountered five drunk, self-identified “Woo Girls,” each born under Sagittarius. Upon threat of sobriety tests, officers were subjected to a nonconsensual game of Twister, torn apart, and eaten alive. Go Sagittarius!
Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
Ah, the Sea Goat: disciplined, dependable, and as practical as a goat swimming the ocean. Those weird panoramic goat eyes might make you a steely navigator, but be cautious of Pete Hegseth’s drones up above, out of sight.
Aquarius
(January 20-February 18)
Aquarius, are you an air sign or a water sign? You’re supposed to be air, so what you doin’ bailing all that water? You wanna be the girl with the most cake? Well, guess what? That’s Courtney Love, and she’s a Cancer. A real water sign! You need to commit.
Pisces
(February 19-March 20)
No, Pisces, I meant your astrological sign, not a divine one—and no, I don’t want ketamine. Yes, I would love to try aura photography. Wait, what? Psychedelic yeast caused the Salem Witch Trials? Were you serious about that ketamine? Oh, it’s a lozenge? What’s hhhhhappening to my lllllleggggggsssssssss?
