We’re number 13! In booziest cities… Sen. Barack Obama will announce his running mate choice to his supporters first, via email and text message. Old School media falls all over itself on this development: “In an e-mail to supporters last night, Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said that Obama “is about to make one of […]
Video
Posted inVideo
BREAKING NEWS – Musicfest NW Terrorists Send Another Video!
Dearest Readers-It just gets worse. When this video arrived–tied to a brick and tossed through our window–we once again assumed it was more pornography. We really have to stop falling for that. Instead, the video which you are about to see is without a doubt the most horrifying act of letter-based cruelty we have ever […]
Posted inFood and Drink
BBQ Is Not a Verb
And Florida is not a southern state. At least, that’s the opinion of this group of good ‘ol boys who pick an’ grin their way through a musical primer of Southern BBQ styles. It’s both educational and drool inducing. Did you know that people from South Carolina put a mustard sauce on their BBQ? All […]
Posted inPortland
This Week’s Mercury Film Section.
Pineapple Express (Showtimes)Some esteemed film critics “find it impossible to find anything redeeming or funny about losers abusing drugs.” We respectfully disagree. American Teen (Showtimes)It’s like The Breakfast Club! Except with some chick getting called “Pepperoni Nipples.” Movie That Will Make You Stab Your Own Face The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (Showtimes)STAB STAB […]
Posted inMedia
BREAKING NEWS – Terrorists Strike Against MusicFest NW!
The Mercury has a firm policy of no fat chicks never negotiating with terrorists. But last night there was a daring kidnapping during the Willamette Week‘s First Thursday poster show for Musicfest NW. Their precious iconic letters, seen here in happier times, were kidnapped by armed thugs, possibly some sort of jihadist sect hellbent on […]
Posted inSports
Olympics Opening Ceremony… in 30 Seconds!
Look, we know you’re busy. So here’s the entire Olympics Opening Ceremony (which actually occurred this morning Beijing time) condensed into 30 seconds! (Or you can watch the whole thing tonight on NBC starting at 8 pm.) Hold on… is that dude with the torch flying?? Aw, hell no!
Posted inVideo Games
Kim Kardashian: Virtual Pugilist
Update: Now with footage from the game. Apparently kicking dudes in the crotch is a valid boxing maneuver. Who knew? When you think of Kim Kardashian odds are good that you’re thinking of her ass, and not boxing videogames. *Cue dramatic orchestral swell*Prepare to have your paradigms shifted. Electronic Arts has announced that Kim and […]
Posted inFashion
Project Runway Wrap Up!
Last night’s intstallment of Project Runway was a little on the sleepy side for fans of local hero Leanne Marshall, who was largely kept in the background of the episode’s drama (In a nutshell: Daniel and Kenley are too giggly and goof-offy and are annoying everyone else, Blayne won’t stop griping about getting to a […]
Posted inNews
Good Morning, News!
According to two Iraqi officials, Iraq and the U.S. have worked out a deal to withdraw all American combat troops by 2010. Ahhhhh… two more glorious years of KILLING. It’s like hitting the snooze button! Prosecutors suggest a 30 year sentence for Osama bin Laden’s chauffeur. And I think we should give at least 18 […]
Posted inDrunk
Sexman Gets Braces; Appears Somewhat Defensive
As you already know, SEXMAN is the world wide web’s greatest film critic. (Check out one of his more hilarious reviews here.) However, today the always-sensitive SEXMAN takes a step away from the world of cinema to wax poetic on two highly personal subjects that are near and dear to his heart: his new braces, […]
Posted inNews
Good Morning, News!
A military jury has convicted Osama bin Laden’s driver. WOO-HOO! Let’s go after his dry cleaner next! After picturing her in an anti-Obama ad, Paris Hilton sticks it to John McCain in a legitimately funny rebuttal video! Check it out here. In a recent poll, almost half of the participants said they’re tired of hearing […]
Posted inPolitics
Paris Hilton Hits Back At McCain
…with a celebrity presidential ad of her own: “I’m Paris Hilton and I approve this message, because I think it’s totally hot.”