Sometimes I think if I see the Google search engine page one more time I’m going to vomit into my shirt pocket. DO YOU EVER FEEL THIS WAY?! If so, you may want to check out the interweb’s newest engine, Cuil. According to the makers…

Cuil searches more pages on the Web than anyone else — three times as many as Google and ten times as many as Microsoft.

Rather than rely on superficial popularity metrics, Cuil searches for and ranks pages based on their content and relevance. When we find a page with your keywords, we stay on that page and analyze the rest of its content, its concepts, their inter-relationships and the page’s coherency.

OH YEAH? Well, we’ll just see about that! As a test, I’m going to do my top five searches I do every day on Google and see how Cuil stacks up:

1) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY = No results found. BOOOOOO!!

2) URKEL = 145,062 results (Nice! Plus the top of the page breaks the Urkel subject into tabs to get even more specific, such as “Steve Urkel,” “Urkel Doll,” and “Myrtle Urkel.” Another nice feature? The page is broken up into three columns with accompanying artwork and a longish paragraph for each search item.)

3) ALISON HALLETT JAGER BOMB = No results found. (Our arts editor Alison has enlisted my help to ensure that she never has any pictures of her doing Jager Bombs on the internet. So far, so good.)

4) JONAS BROTHERS = Wait… “No results found,” and then when I hit search again, 200,000 results were found! Apparently, Cuil — much like Portland — has yet to appreciate that these lovable musical moppets are extremely popular and wildly talented!

5) FOXY STEPDADS = 1,560 results… but only one shows up! (Something about “tarring a stepdad with a brush”? Huh??) Then when I turn the “safe search” off, it only yielded 1,416 results — again with just the “tar the stepdad with a brush” item! WTF?!

As you can see, Cuil acted a little buggy for me — but admittedly, my searches are a bit off the beaten path. Plug in your searches and see how it works! And read more about Cuil here!

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

6 replies on “Need a New Search Engine?”

  3. I agree with Wackadee-doo. I Cuil-ed myself (it doesn’t even sound as much fun as “I googled myself.”) and all that it really scrounged up is library listings for my undergraduate thesis.

  4. seems completely bugged to me, though when I type in ‘Alison Hal’ (in preparation for a bit of follow-up stalking on your behalf), the illustrious Mercury writer is one of three possible Alisons that neatly pop-up to help me complete my query. Along with Alison Halford and Alison Hall. fyi.

  5. Nice write up.

    So, no results on Wm.TM., eh? Not surprised, chappie, not surprised at all. Looked myself up once. Didn’t like what I found. “Rigid martinet with no sense of humor”, indeed. “Inept and officious.” I say, chappie, not at all fair. I pilot a desk for the Royal Navy for thirty-seven years man and boy, and what do I get at retirement? A gold watch. A pat on the back, no. I’m knighted, made a Baron and shipped to Llandrended, Wales, for God’s sake, given an assistant accountant named Wilburforce then shipped to this God-forsaken post to try and improve the quality of satire and parody of this publication before next year’s international competition. (The 228th, would you believe?) All because I patted the Prince of Wales on the behind after a particular harrowing mission he undertook to a flower show in Chichester in ’82. Happened in the shower. Been in vile durance since, don’t you know. However,

    Nice article,

    Not funny,

    Next!

    P.S. Thanks for clearing up that little matter of the returned checque for the entrant’s fee. Think it shows the proper spirit, chappie, entering the International Satire and Parody show (the 227th, don’t you know), after finishing 103rd, 97th and 105th three years running. Out of 75 entrants all three years. Don’t know how you do that, quite an accomplishment, really. What did you do to alienate the judges that thoroughly? Well, pip-pip and cheerio.

  6. Sir:

    Looked myself up on google. Several particularly nice write ups, especially my obituary in The Times. Quite satisfying, though the last few years in the Bahamas were a trial.

    I remain your humble servant,

    Jacomus

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